i Wish i Could Be On Time!

30 December 2003

I detest the sun.
It toys with me in the winter, as the snow flakes gather around its fluorescent glow.
Why does the sun have to come out in the cold?
It should hide like the moon,
behind the clouds in the black night.
The sun becomes my enemy.

Last night I had a good time. Yes, yes I did. I got massively drunk at the bar my supposed boy toy works at, and I threw myself at any man that would take me for the moment. I almost ended up having sex with a really hot model type in the ladies restroom, but my friend April stopped me. When I was talking to her today she was like, "yeah, I was thinking 'should I stop her. hmmmm...'" I just laughed, but showed her my gratitude anyway. It was nice. It was nice becoming someone else even though it was at the expense of my friends, i.e. them taking care of me until like 4am. It was like a little vacation for me. Since I can't afford a real vacation, this was the best I could do. I love my little boy toy, I do. He is very intelligent and cute in a quirky kind of way. Who the hell wants a model anyway??? Um...me I guess. It would just be nice to have sex. I love sex. My boy toy tells me I have the libido like an adolescent male. I guess he is right, but maybe if he took care of me this wouldn't be an issue for us. Oh, and that is a whole different story. I never get to see him. If he is not sleeping, he is married to the god damn bar. I think to myself, "for christ's sake, relax it's a bar!!" You know kind of like the saying, relax it's just sex from Hustler. Everybody needs to relax. Just fucking relax. Take a deep breath people and relax...

27 December 2003

The boy in front of me had a fuzzy on his stripped shirt. It drove me crazy for a long hour and a half. I went to mass with my grandma. It makes her happy anyway, but I have completely analyzed the Catholic mass. This is how it goes: the church fills up with people, ok with white people. There is no diversity among the pews. Then a line of four people walk down the center isle. There are two alter boys with sneakers under their robes, followed by a man holding the bible, and then the priest is last. We all turn toward the center isle and sing until the line of people passes us. Then the priest greets us and we read from a book that is not only not understood, but it is conditioned in our brains. I know this because I remembered all the prayers even though I have not been to church since my aunt's death. This is a true Catholic: go the mass when there is a funeral or a wedding. The priest then stands in front of us gesticulating as he acts like Dr. Phil and tells us how we should live our lives, while after mass he will go hop in his BMW to go home. Funny, huh? The mass is totally performed by men and men only. They say that now girls can be "alter girls" but I have yet to see one. After the lecture from the big bad wolf, (because that is how I always saw them as a little Catholic girl) it is time for a little snack. The priest drinks wine and bread mumbles and then we all get in a single fill line to get our bread and wine. I am happy about this for two reasons. #1 I am very hungry & #2 I need a little "drink" to get through the rest of the service. After our snack, we sing one last song and then we leave. Everyone acts like they are so glad to see each other and ask questions like, "how is your mother" and "how are the kids" etc, etc, etc...Basically questions that nobody actually gives a damn about, they are just trying to be nice. They are all so fake. I feel this way because the whole time during mass, this woman next to me spent the entire time looking at people, then laughing, and then she proceeded to whisper to her husband who in return laughed at her comment. This is supposed to be the house of god people, how dare you sit and judge??? This is why I never go to church, sorry folks, but if I wanted to be judged then I would go have lunch with my mother...

There are these times in my life where I just feel like such a failure. I feel as if I have been wounded in some way and that something is keeping me back, but I don't know what it is exactly, like there is this strong wind pushing me back as I walk down the street. My mom got me some minutes for my cell phone, and I decided since I have no money that I would treat myself and download a new ring tone. I spent 2 hours on the computer, which would really be no big deal, except that it is after 3 am. Therefore, I have failed at my goal of being in bed by 1 am. This failure is a common thing for me. I do believe that I create some chaos, but not all. The universe is out to get me. For instance, I will actually be running on time to somewhere, and oh, but of course there is an accident on the highway, why the hell wouldn't there be, right??? Thus is life for me...and you know, so many people get angry with me; but try to imagine living like this. It's not easy. Sometimes, I hate my life. I look around me and see everyone growing up and succeeding, and I am succeeding as well, but the difference is that I am succeeding at failure. Believe me, my mother thrives at my failure. In fact the only time I get along with my mother is when I am failing. Then there is my boyfriend. (He will never know about this little "blog" I have.) He is great, that is when it is convenient for him, and oh, right now is not a convenient time. My best friend is out of town, and my "ma" (more about her later) is also out of town. Not to mention my shrink. I know that soon they will all be back, but for now I am sitting with my furry friends, that are cute might I add, but they can't carry on a conversation. Well, not in English anyway. I miss everyone...

26 December 2003


So I am house sitting for my friend while she is visiting her family in Canton. Her two cats Blue & Thalia are the cutest cats ever! We have been having fun. You know it's funny how animals and humans have this connection. I swear there are times Blue looks at me and I am just waiting for him to open his mouth and tell me what is on his mind...

25 December 2003

I wanted to keep this as simple as possible, so that people would really pay attention to my words. This is my very first post, so I am a bit nervous, but excited at the same time. I guess a little later I will add a bit more, but since it is like almost 2 am, this is all I am going to write for now. I will end by saying one thing, "I was on a calendar, but never on time" Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn is one of my favorites! I love her because she was a size 16, and this simple trivia makes me feel good because she was an idol for so many women. Keep on truckin' girls!!!!

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