i Wish i Could Be On Time!

31 January 2004

To the Man I Once Loved and the Woman Who Haunts My Dreams
My dear and true love
It is you and I who share this remarkable knowledge of poetry
Your gentle kiss on the nape of my neck
And the soft touching of fingers will be greatly missed
It is you that gives me reason to continue writing
As I become not only a student of literature
But a student of the pen
It is your kind words that calls me to rise out of bed when the dawn comes
I fear I will always be alone in this room with unmarked pages and bare walls
I shall die by the hours of midnight with only the moon to miss me
I cannot believe all this time has passed
My only wish is for our love to begin again
Will I ever see you?
I miss your company
I have not a soul to journey among the pages of the novella with me
To share my deepest desires
Please call on me
For without you I cannot carry on in this harsh world
I do try
But I do not succeed among the students or the professors at the university
I need you to guide my way
Love for you will be always in my words
My dreams,
My entire life as it is…

London Kennedy

30 January 2004

The new “dawg” in the ‘hood:
Let me tell ya ‘bout this bitch
Man, she thinks she is a-somethin’ else
But, I’ll say this: I’ll put up a fight for my bones, I’m a-tellin’ ya that
This bitch don’t give up that easy, my friend
Don’t you come up in here, expectin’ for me to roll down the red carpet and shit,
I’ll kick your tramp ass!
For real, uh huh.
Whatcha thinkin’
You be straight trippin’
You ain’t gonna fool me
Snoopin’ all up in my buz-niss
It ain’t easy like that
I’ll find some dirt on you
And we’ll call it straight,
After
You give up my bone…

I'd sing it for you if you were here...
Mistake Fiona Apple
I'm gonna make a mistake-
I'm gonna do it on purpose
I'm gonna waste my time
Cuz I'm full as a tick
And I'm scratching at the surface
And what I find is mine
And when the day is done, and I look back
And the fact is I had fun, fumbling around
All the advice I shunned, and I ran
Where they told me not to run, but I sure
Had fun, so
I'm gonna fuck it up again
I'm gonna do another detour
Unpave my path
And if you wanna make sense
Whatcha looking at me for
I'm no good at math
And when I find my way back,
The fact is I just may stay, or I may not
I've acquired quite a taste
For a well-made mistake
I wanna mistake why can't I make a mistake?
I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why-
Do I wanna do right, of course but
Do I really wanna feel I'm forced to
Answer you, hell no
I've acquired quite a taste
For a well-made mistake, I wanna
Make a mistake, why can't I make a mistake
I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why

Here is a current like of the things I've fucked up on in the last 24 hours:
1. Waking up on time.
2. My British Literature class
3. Meeting Latasha on time for lunch
4. Not stopping to get gas
5. Laura
6. Driving home in three inches of fantastic snow coming at me sideways
7. Hitting a car in the library parking lot (really I was just helping them get rid of excess snow and/or ice)
8. Not going to the club tonight to give my schedule to my boss (not really a requirement, I've gotta give myself some sort of break here...)
9. Besides a few bites of soup, not eating anything else today.
and finally:
10. Avoiding calling my mother (this one totally acceptable due to her insanity that I can't deal with at this time.)

Thank you.

29 January 2004

Fabulous Female!
Carrie a.k.a. "ma"


She thinks the butt hut at school is bugged. She would joke and laugh about it all the time, and now I am totally paranoid. If I go in there by myself, I am looking over my shoulder. If I go in with friends, I watch who I am bitching about, because you never know…
I met Carrie in the butt hut. For the longest time I had no idea who she was, I just knew I loved her company. When I found out she was a professor, I immediately began looking into her classes. The first class I took with Carrie was called Assassinations in US History. Do I need to explain? The woman is amazing! She is a huge conspirator. She has officially convinced me that our government is insane and that they even watch me when I’m on the toilet. I took Carrie for two years (four semester altogether), and I didn’t need any of her classes! I now blame her for my being behind in my major. I began calling Carrie “ma” because she is like a mother figure to me. She is always there for me, no matter what. She gives me advice, and for the first time in my 23 years of life, I feel like I have unconditional love from someone. There are times in my life that I just want to tell Carrie how much she means to me, but sometimes words aren’t enough. Telling her how wonderful she is, and that I love her to death doesn’t always seem to be enough for me. Carrie is so humble, that she doesn’t realize how valued she is by all her students. Her classes are always jammed packed. In fact, I recall one semester when I got up at 8:30am just to get on Banner web to sign up for her class. I could go on forever about Carrie. I cold write a book telling all the amazing things she has done for me. But for now, I’ll just state the obvious: Carrie is definitely FABULOUS!!!!!

My newest revelation:
I now know what it is like to be in Scott's world. I love my new job so far! Everybody has been very helpful, and while I'm not rolling in the dough yet, I think I will be soon. Scott used to say that being a bartender gave him a sense of confidence. He used to tell me how he loved his job and loved all the positive attention. I used to harp on him because I would say that is was a dead-end job, and the only reason people were always smiling was due to their intoxication. Whether it be the boos or the babes I can definitely see the attractiveness of working in a nite club. I love the fact that everyone is always laughing and having a good time. I love after waiting on a table seeing the monetary results. Even if it is not a big tip, I know that I earned that money on my own. I know that it is not like other jobs I have had where I left with this feeling of emptiness and guilt. I always struggled with myself: did I work hard enough? Was I good at my job? Do they like me? In this field, you know if you are not appreciated. This all my sound juvenile and maybe a little shallow, but it fills my spirit with joy, even if it only lasts for the night, I feel better about myself. Now I just have to learn how to juggle with the school thing...

28 January 2004

Advertisements gone wrong...
I was watching World News Now at 4am last night, and they have this segment where they show the weather from across the globe. Along with this "important" news, because I really want to know the L.A. is 85 degrees when I am freezing my ass off, they will show pleasant pictures, like monkeys playing, or an elephant squirting water out its nose. Don't really understand that concept: but of course at the end they have to show who they are sponsored/endorsed by: last night it was the drug Zoloft. Nice. SAD (seasonal affectiveness disorder) is on the rise? Look at how cold it is in New York vs. Miami, FL. This is the message I got: instead of moving to warmer weather folks, pop you a pill to warm you up...

who who whose hare??
if you are privileged enough to know me on a first name basis and/or are involved in my circle, then you will know what this means. if you do not know me, do not question or fear, it essentially means nothing. if you do know what i am talking about, then please keep the info. on the down low, i just needed to vent. thank you.
ps i have not, repeated have not told everyone in my "circle" and/or everyone that is on a "first name basis" about this current event. do not worry, i will tell you asap. kiss, kiss.

26 January 2004

My cats favor this:
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
Please help all their friends!!

Marvelous Man
Eddy
a.k.a. “The Eddy” or “Eddy Munster”


When I first met Eddy, the thought that popped in my head was, “shit, he is just like me…without my meds!” No, really I love my Eddy to death. He was in an English class with me, & we had so much fun together. We were constantly blowing kisses to each other across the room. I was the envy of every girl in class. Eddy took my friend April and I to our very first drag show. (We were both a little scared.) But, Eddy took care of us. It was an honor to be his “fag hags” for the night. That’s technical lingo for a gay guy’s best girl for the night. I just wanted to get laid; no seriously, I left that damn club so horny I would have…um…never mind. Anyway, Eddy has this way of making you feel special. He’ll say things like, “I only hang with beautiful people.” We don’t know if he realizes that he is making us feel better, or if he really means it, but for the time being, it is always nice to receive a compliment. Eddy is “such a waste” as one friend puts it—he is a gorgeous man! He is funny and you can talk to him about anything. He really knows how to treat the ladies, such a shame too, because of the gay thing, but I’m blessed to have him for a friend. Eddy is definitely marvelous!!!

25 January 2004

A few good reasons for snow:

1. If you suffer from dandruff, this is the time you will “fit in.”
2. The old farts that drive really, really, slow are the ones that are driving fast. Snaps to old geezers!!
3. If you are trying to parallel park, and you hit the car behind you, don’t fret, you’re just helping them get the ice and snow off their car with a little “push.”
4. The lines in the grocery parking lot are not visible, thus parking can be fun…
5. Everyone is so terrified of this “white death” that the mall is virtually empty, and you can get lots of good shopping done.
6. The infamous joke “don’t eat yellow snow” actually becomes funny for the time being.
7. A good cup of hot chocolate is yummy in your tummy.
8. Adorable ear muffs in fun colors like neon green and purple become the latest fashion statement.
9. No school! (Unless you’re like me and go to Miami University aka. the university that never, ever cancels class…)
10. If you run a red light you can say, “But officer, I really, really couldn’t stop!” & usually this works being that they almost hit your car trying to pull you over.

Stay warm!!!

24 January 2004

Fabulous Female
My best friend: Latasha


Latasha and I first met in Carrie’s history class. She was my partner for a project. I thought she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. She is this little bitty thing, with perfect golden blonde hair, and big blues eyes, and the epitome of a tic-tac commercial smile. On top of all this: her wit and humor will have you addicted within minutes. We didn’t become friends right away, she saw me as this anxiety-ridden freak, and stayed clear for the first couple of months we knew each other; but over time, we became very close. Latasha is the gal I call when I just need someone to agree with me, because she is always on my side. I can tell her anything, and no matter what: she sides with me. (Even if I am at fault—which doesn’t happen often…) Latasha has seen me cry, and she has seen me laugh. If is often, that it is her which makes me see the world in a different light, which causes the bursts of laughter. We are both “cat moms” as she likes to say, and we share stories of our cat children together, and she always understands. Latasha is a neat freak, something in which I would kill to become. So whenever I am in the mood to clean, I’m almost always talking to Latasha while I’m cleaning, because she is directing me as to what I should clean next. She dresses to a ten, so I am always stealing fashion ideas from her and passing them off as my own original ideas, but she never complains. I have watched Latasha search and search for that perfect job, that she wanted & deserved, and now, she finally has achieved her dream…she is moving hours away to work with Phillip Morris. When she told me this I was like: “OMG, Tosh, I am smoking your paycheck!!” (She hates when I call her Tosh, but I still do it anyway.) But, I am so excited for her, even though she is moving forever away.  I know that Latasha and I will be friends for life. She is the one that I will see on Business Weekly for being some top CEO. She is amazing! She is definitely FABULOUS!!!!! Love you, girl!

911 Emergency
I'm only allowed to call my shrink on the weekends if it is an emergency. The problem is this: how in the hell do I know if it is an emergency or not? To me, my whole life is an emergency. Thank god they really specified the 911 thing in grade school, or else I'd be calling that number every time I broke a nail...I can't stop sleeping. I have slept yet another day away. These meds I am on are royally messing with me. I was supposed to increase the dose weeks ago, but didn't for fear of this exact situation: that I'd sleep all the damn time. I was due into the blues club at 10AM, and it is now almost 6PM. I'm just a little late...

Don’t Nobody Ever Tell Me I ain’t Lived in the Mother Fuckin’ Ghetto

It’s 3:29AM and I have been listenin’ to my neighbors yellin’ and screamin’ for the past two hours. Screamin’ ‘bout crack whore, and coke ho, and this and that. I ain’t gonna be the one to call the pigs up in here, I’m tellin’ ya that. I ain’t gonna deal with the mother fuckin’ poe-leece knockin’ on my mother fuckin’ door, ‘cause I would get my lil’ white bitch ass kicked the fuck outta here, ‘cause my crib is a fuckin’ mess…aw, shit, here comes the fuckin’ poe-poe now! Don’t nobody ever tell me I ain’t lived in the mother fuckin’ ghetto, with the prostitutes hangin’ on the corner of 3rd and village, the druggies goin’ down with deals, and the homeless sleepin’ in every abandoned house there is…mother fucker, this is the goddamned ghetto. This here is real life. Shit, I feel like I’m on Oprah…she should do an episode of this neighborhood alone…help me please, I’ve gotta get the hell out of this god forsaken town!!!

Light of the TRUTH

"Planning to write is not writing. Outlining, researching, talking to people about what you're doing, none of that is writing. Writing is writing. . . . Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way."

--E.L. Doctorow

*Stolen from: http://www.timlockridge.com/blog/

23 January 2004

The 10 most recently published blogs:
7:38 PM

Exhibition


I wish I could be on time... <~Look here's me!!!! :)


Matriculate:


The Divine Comedy


Breaking the girl


the eternal quest for pea...


Blog Two


Official Linkin Park Ramb...


My TOTs, DreamZ, hOpeS,.....


Let me stain your hands.....

Feeling much better after a Coke, ham, Swiss cheese, Miracle whip, and Doritos sandwich...
I have just finished my 18 hour nap. (Besides the few times I sleepily got up to check my blog, yes I am obsessed, and to write that rather depressing poem, god I must have had a bad dream or something...) I am still tired! It is like this: if you sleep for hours, then all you get in return is not a rejuvenated body, but a body that craves more, more, more sleep. I think I'm gonna go back to sleep now...

Disconnect Notice
I don't know when
or how it even happens
It is often in my life when I get disconnected from the world I inhabit
I turn off my heart
and my brain goes elsewhere
I lay in my bed
under the covers and ignore the fact that it is Friday
Tuesday
July
November
5:34PM
2:01AM
Winter
Spring
Dark
Light
Cold
Warm
This happens more often than I am willing to admit
These occurrences last for minutes
Hours
sometimes days
I am comfortable in my dreams
Where no one can hurt me
When no one can contact me
I put out a vibe that exclaims
Leave me alone
In my sadness
despair
Leave me alone in my unrealistic wishes
Sometimes
people don't even notice this
Sometime
people don't care
It is then that I yearn for the eternal sleep
It is then that I don't want to go on
Day after day
People would go on
Live their daily lives
I am a friend
There are others
I am a student
There are many, many more
I am a daughter, sister
There are two left
Survival gets old
My body is weak
I'm going to go back to my sleep
Where my dreams call upon me for companionship

Besides my vibrator, this is the most action I've gotten in a long while...
Total 69 <~ this number comes from my site meter (it displays how many people have visited my site), thanks guys & gals! I appericate your business!

22 January 2004

Happy Roe vs. Wade Day!!!!!
Celebrate the little bit of freedom we have ladies!!!
January 22, 2004

Statement of NOW President Kim Gandy

On this day, the 31st anniversary of Roe v. Wade, women and men across the United States are honoring one of the most important Supreme Court decisions in our history. On January 22, 1973, the Supreme Court recognized that the right to choose abortion is protected by the U.S. Constitution. The acknowledgment of this right has allowed women to plan their families, although the full range of reproductive health care is not accessible to many women.

Conservative forces have been chipping away at the rights guaranteed in Roe v. Wade for more than two decades. The most vulnerable women among us—young women, poor women, rural women—have suffered the brunt of these attacks. During the last three years, the war against women's reproductive freedom has been stepped up dramatically. George W. Bush and the right-wing led Congress are literally signing away women's reproductive rights. When Bush signed the so-called "Partial-Birth" Abortion Ban into law on November 5, he was surrounded by a group of smiling men—men who will never know what it means to be pregnant. On that day, Bush confirmed that his administration and Congress have both the power and the will to overturn Roe v. Wade.

Stacking the U.S. courts with ultra-conservative judges is another tactic this administration is using to ultimately deny women reproductive freedom. Just last week, while Congress was in recess, Bush installed Charles Pickering—an enemy of reproductive rights and civil rights—on the federal appeals court. Pickering had been rejected once by the Senate Judiciary Committee, but that didn't stop the President from sneaking him onto the bench. As the courts become dominated by right-wing ideologues, women could lose what's left of their reproductive rights for decades.

We are prepared to protect our right to abortion, birth control and all reproductive health services, as well as our right to have children and plan our own families without government interference. We will not allow Bush and his cronies to continue trampling on women's reproductive freedom and self-determination.

NOW applauds Senator Barbara Boxer for making a positive move today by introducing the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA). If passed and signed into law, FOCA would codify a woman's right to abortion and strike down a host of federal and state restrictions. With so many powerful men hostile to women's rights, FOCA has the potential to protect women's lives, health, liberty and privacy.

On April 25, hundreds of thousands of women's rights supporters will come to Washington, D.C., for the March for Women's Lives. This event will demonstrate the overwhelming support for reproductive rights and our determination to make our voices heard. On that day we will stand up and demand safe, legal and accessible abortion and reproductive health services for all.

www.now.org

Technical Difficulties (In All Aspects of My Life)
Right now I am having technical difficulties with the following: my blog (the comments), my math class, my floppy disk that holds all my assignments for this semester, the computer by the window in MAC, my grammar in my Anthropology class, the girl that sits behind me in my Anthropology class, my mother, my alarm clock, my cat who keeps pissing on the floor right next to her litter box, my headlight that is still out, my appetite, my head, oh and my life in general...

One Little Monkey Jumping on the Bed...
I stumbled upon this, check it out!

"When the Supreme Court appointed George W. Bush president, five biased justices overruled the people of the United States and trampled on our principles of democracy. Now, an illegitimate president runs rampant, turning this country upside down.
Headlines: Bush Seeks to Promote Marriage to the Tune of $1.5 Billion ... Cheney Now Supports Ban on Same-Sex Marriage ... Bush Proposes Second-Class Status for Immigrants ... Bush Attempts to Paint Rosy Picture of Struggling Economy ... Plus, New Bushisms!
Piece by piece, Bush is tearing down the progress women and other disenfranchised groups have made over the last 35 years, ensuring that rich white males and giant corporations will rule the U.S. for generations to come.
Bush is: reversing women's rights here and abroad ... appointing right-wing radicals to powerful positions ... rewarding his rich supporters and turning a budget surplus into a multi-billion dollar deficit ... stacking the federal courts with ultra-conservative judges ... slashing funding for much-needed social programs ... gutting environmental regulations ... attacking affirmative action, Title IX and other civil rights legislation ... alienating the U.S. from nations worldwide and recklessly waging war in the Middle East ... and on, and on.
As long as Bush and his cronies continue demolishing our rights, TheTruthAboutGeorge.com will be here."

Mirror
I looked in the mirror for hours
watching my tears flow down my cheeks
slowly then quickly they came one by one
moving towards my lips
these tears feed me
feed my soul
I am captured by my emotions
I cannot break free
my face
pale with dark circles under my eyes
stares back at me
pleading for comfort
something in which I cannot give myself
my reflection changes with the light from the moon
from loneliness to fear
like a drunken barmaid I stumble as I try to get off the floor
I brush off the knees of my pants and turn away from the silver exact picture of my depression
myself.

21 January 2004

Fabulous Female!!!
My big sister, Tiffany
I don't have to begin this post with, "I first met Tiffany..." In fact, I don't even know my life without my big sister. She has always been there for me. When I was little, and we first moved here from Flint, Michigan, Tiffany was like a mother to me. We would get up at some god awful hour in the morning because my mom had to catch the bus to go downtown, and Tiffany would get up and bundle me in a coat and we would go to my grandmother's house. She would then head off for a long day at school. I always knew Tiffany would be a mother. I am not a very religious person, but I do believe in "a calling." Tiffany's calling is definitely to be a mother! Her two children Gabrielle & Owen are the greatest kids! (And I am not saying that because I am their aunt.) There was a long time where my sister and I were not close, but due to my mother's insanity we have grown close again this past holiday. I had forgotten how wonderful my older sister is. She is very beautiful with her curly hair and fair skin. She is extremely intelligent, and to top it off, she is the most fabulous cook! The only time I have a real meal is at her house. Tiffany has the greatest personality. She is so excitable with her words. She is definitely a bubbly gal! Life has been rather difficult for Tiffany, but she always manages. She has this way of making lemonade out of lemons. (That is when the cooking comes in.) Being six years apart, (my sisters and I are all six years apart. Yea, tell me that wasn't planned) it is hard to bond with your siblings; but somehow, we have all managed to bond together. I love my two sisters so much, I couldn't even imagine my life without my sisters. It would be empty and confused. Tiffany, You're FABULOUS!!!

Demoni onato journo.
I was studying with my friend, Erica the other night and she said this to me. It is French (obviously) for "tomorrow is another day." Well today was no worse than any other day. I skipped my math class for the fourth time, plus I skipped my British Literature class, only later to bump into my professor. She wasn't too happy about my absence. I know this because she didn't even say hello to me. Oh well. I keep getting these headaches that are really weighing me down. I think I may need glasses or something. I came home from school and slept for like three hours which is going to be quite detrimental to tonight's sleep. I have been desperately trying to study for my theatre exam which is tomorrow, but I can't focus. School is boring this semester. I am really just not interested. I am contemplating if it is even the place for me. I like the atmosphere, but I am not enjoying my studies at all. I guess I just need to concentrate more and stop poking around. I like my professors, and I love all my friends, but I don't want the work. I think 15 credit hours may just be too much. I finally replaced my lightbulb in my kitchen! I had to put a chair on my table and then climb up the mountain, I was scared I was going to fall and break a hip or something. Shit, listen to me! Sorry I am in a bad, bad mood. Sleep, glorious sleep...zzzzzzz

20 January 2004

Make it happen!!!
This weekend I have been busy training for my new job as a cocktail tail waitress. The blues club is going to be fun, fun, fun! I am excited to be a part of this! The club's slogan is "Make it happen!" I talked the owners into letting us girls wear khaki skirts instead of pants. Easy street...la, la, la...

PS I was having technical difficulties over the weekend, but now I am back in business! :)

18 January 2004

Executive Order # EO15642876:
I have just officially passed a new executive order. I was under the assumption that my readers knew that my little "fabulous females" section is about many people in my life. I did not think I would have to go as far to say that "Fabulous females" are in no particular order, but I suppose I should have done that to cover my basis. The section "Fabulous Females" & "Marvelous Men" are indeed numbered, but for my own benefit. They are in NO particular order. All of my friends mean something to me, just in many different ways. Elizabeth means a lot to me because she is, (like I stated) one of my best friends. An attentive reader is imperative to the "real" world. I am not going to waste my time writing an apology for what I said about her; but I will take the time and write something special for everyone. I am very grateful to my friends, without them I'd be nothing. From here on out, there will be no numbering of the current sections "Fabulous Females" and/or "Marvelous Men." Thank you.

Marvelous Men:
#2 Scott & Scott

I met Scott & Scott one warm autumn day as I was driving by their new club. I walked in and asked them if they were hiring. It all snowballed from there. I just got back from my orientation, and I am pumped! This job is going to be a lot of fun! We are already sold out for the first night! Scott & Scott began their dream of opening a blues club three years ago in a drunken madness. Now, you should see the place! It is amazing. I am very, very exited to be a part of this company!

Fabulous Female #2

My best friend Elizabeth

Which Way??
For Elizabeth
The stairs looked to difficult for me to climb
I sat alone crying
with wind blowing in my face
voices muffled above me
loneliness is worse than death
a crisis evaluation signed got me days locked in
among the halls of white
I sat on the rough knitted carpet holding the phone wet with tears
talking
and her sweet voice whispering, "it'll be ok"

Elizabeth & I met at my first college class, and her last college class at Miami. Neither of us expected to become friends. We come from complete opposites. She had a family. She was brilliant. She has this natural beauty about her. She is strong, and I was lost. She became one of my best friends, and even though she doesn't like the pressure, she is a huge part of my life line. Elizabeth is the type of friend you want to impress. She is the one that I want to have one day where I am not a failure. She is my inspiration. We have cried together, and laughed together. She knows all my secrets, and even still she hasn't abandoned me. Elizabeth is the person that I have to talk to at least every other day in order to survive. She knows what it is like to not want to get out of bed. She knows what it is like to be in utter fear. She has seen me in my deepest depression, when I cut all over my arms or legs, just to feel the pain. She has watched me pace back and forth humming and shaking with anxiety. And still, she is always there the next day. She listens to my poetry time after time, and she guides me when I am analyzing literature. She is my editor, my friend, my companion, and my hero. Elizabeth has survived those dark days of the winter, and she has battled the heat of panic. Her strength never fails to surprise me. She is the one I tell my dreams and the one that I tell my fears. She is definitely, definitely fabulous!!!

17 January 2004


The most dangerous men in the U.S. are gleefully signing away women's reproductive rights.


On Nov. 5, 2003, George W. Bush signed into law a deceptive ban against a range of safe, common abortion procedures. It's hard for many of us to imagine—but Roe v. Wade is indeed in danger of reversal. With Congress and the White House under conservative control, our rights have never been more at risk. Act now before the right wing sends us back to the days when countless women died from illegal abortions.
www.now.org

Parental controlled literature??
I had never thought of the idea of parental controlled literature until I read the book Go Ask Alice. I just finished reading this book, and I have never been so depressed in my whole life. Here is a brief summary: the novel is about a 15 year old girl who becomes addicted to drugs. The format of the novel is a journal. It was like reading Are You There God, It's Me Margaret? on acid. Alice's words go from innocent to haunting. It was very disturbing to think that society has turned out this way. It saddens me to think that substance abuse is a coping skill for the younger generation. This journal is so honest, I felt like Alice was the girl-next-door. Going into Alice's world of drugs made me yearn for the experience, and here I am a 23 year old. I can't possibly imagine reading this novel at 15; an age that is confusing within itself. As a teenager, being influenced is a key issue in the younger culture. The Boston Globe writes, "A book that all teenagers and parents of teenagers should really read." I was mortified! This is definitely not my pick for a teenager. Perhaps parental control is necessary for literature, and I detest this thought, because literature is a beautiful and realistic art form. I feel that it is wrong to shelter your children to the extreme; but with this novel and it's terrifying reality of drugs, maybe this should be considered...

"The rally itself was great, acid and boonze and pot as free as the air. Even now the colors are still dripping down over me and the crack in the window is beautiful. The life is beautiful. It's so goddamned beautiful I can hardly stand it. And I'm a glorious part of it! Everybody else is just taking up space. Goddamned stupid people. I'd like to shove life down all their throats and then maybe they'd understand what it's all about." Go Ask Alice.

Be prepared...If at all interested in this particular novel then do not read the following paragraph, for I am about to expose the main part of the ending.

The story would be a significant lesson if it ended well, but unfortunately, it does not. The story displays the harsh reality of drug abuse, and no value comes from it, only disaster. If it had ended in a more positive way, then I could see the urge for the younger market, but since it does not, don't let your little ones read this...

16 January 2004

Apple sauce for Eve
Marge Piercy

Those old daddies cursed you and us in you,
damned for your curiosity: for your sin
was wanting knowledge. To try, to taste,
to take into the body, into the brain
and turn each thing, each sign, each factoid
round and round as new facets glint and white
fractures into colors and the image breaks
into crystal fragments that pierce the nerves
while the brain casts the chips into patterns.

Each experiment sticks a finger deep in the pie,
dares existence, blows a horn in the ear
of belief, lets the nasty and difficult brats
of real questions into the still air
of the desiccated parlor of stasis.
What we all know to be true, constant,
melts like frost landscapes on a window
in a jet of steam. How many last words
in how many dead languages would translate into,
But what happens if I, and Whoops!

We see Adam wagging his tail, good dog, good
dog, while you and the snake shimmy up the tree,
lab partners in a dance of will and hunger,
that thirst not of the flesh but of the brain.
Men always think women are wanting sex,
cock, snake, when it is the world she's after.
Then birth trauma for the first conceived kid
of the ego, I think therefore I am, I
kick the tree, who am I, why am I,
going, going to die, die, die.

You are indeed the mother of invention,
the first scientist. Your name means
life: finite, dynamic, swimming against
the current of time, tasting, testing,
eating knowledge like any other nutrient.
We are all the children of your bright hunger.
We are all products of that first experiment,
for if death was the worm in that apple,
the seeds were freedom and the flowering of choice.

Where's Amelia???
Tonight's lesson: apparently country bumpkins are in. I went to a friend's house to study for my exam, and one of his roommates (name unmentioned) dressed up in a boomer jacket and a pilot's hat and flew around uptown screaming..."Where's Amelia?" (My brilliant idea, by the way.) As the rest of us sat in the car, laughing our asses off & watching all the J Crew university couples look at the idiotic and obviously insane pilot in ultimate fear. Gotta love horny 20 years olds, they'll do anything for a promise of being "taken care of." It was totally ridiculous and silly fun...

15 January 2004

Marvelous Men:
#1. The Hallmark Man
I realize I am surrounded by a lot of men in my life that are just as fabulous as women. Here I go with my new list. Also, I received a comment from an ex, and he brought to my attention that I had not yet discussed him in this blog. So, here I go. Hallmark Man was the most attractive man I have ever been with. He was intelligent and he was a bunny in bed. He is the man that will always have my heart, and he is the man that I would run to if he needed me. I miss him, but it is honestly better for us to not be a couple. We still have our little rendezvous ever once in a while. I just can't let go of him. This is not a problem, because I truly don't want to. I was proud of myself last night for not running to him. I could have: but I didn't. I knew it would be better for our "blankship" for us to not be together. But my teddy bear wasn't enough...

NOW's Progressive Feminist Agenda for Peace

Expose the Bush administration's exploitation of the tragedies of September 11, 2001 to advance a right-wing political agenda

Expose the stifling of political dissent by the Bush administration through policies such as the USA Patriot Act

Call for an end to the U.S. campaign of militarism and corporate profit that has contributed to anti-American sentiment around the world

Support equality for women and men in the U.S. military

Call for an end to U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East that exacerbates the plight of women and children in these countries, including U.S. military aggression

Expose the connection between militarism and violence against women, including domestic violence and military-sponsored rape

Support international law and internationally accepted standards for human rights beginning with U.S. ratification of CEDAW

Call for an increase in funding for domestic social services and curtail enormous increases in defense spending

Support population assistance programs to reduce worldwide poverty

Groundhog day
Today reminded me of the movie, "Groundhog Day." I felt like I was reliving my whole break up with Scott. I foolishly decided in my head that I could somehow get him back. So, I did what I know how to do best...I manipulated him into helping me study for my up coming English exam. This didn't quite work out. Instead of meeting in person, we decided to study via telephone. After about 3 or 4 definitions, I began questioning our breakup. Bad idea. Very bad idea. Then I convinced him into listening to me sob and began my relentless journey down "guilt trip road." He didn't fall for that one either...After two hours on the phone, the longest telephone conversation in the history of our relationship, he boldly went where no man has gone before. He told me he had to go because he had to use the bathroom...hmmm...

14 January 2004

According to...

Ms. Poll

Should the FDA approve Emergency Contraception (EC) for over-the-counter use?

Yes, EC is time-sensitive and must be made accessible. 85%

No, EC should be prescribed by a doctor. 9%

No, EC should never have been legalized. 4%

Undecided 2%

You go girls!!!!!!!!!!!

13 January 2004

A poem~> www.poetry.com

Untitled

Oh mother, oh mother!
Dripping in gold.
With a heart full of heavy stones.
The three dolls are prancing about in frilly dresses.
They are holding hands in a Catholic prayer.
To the Virgin Mary, a mother.
Oh mommy, oh mommy!
You care only for your affairs.
See your smallest doll?
The one with the American face?
She cries in the night under her bedsheets.
Under her painted pink fingernails there is dried blood.
The same blood in which she cries.
The bloody tears burn her pale cheeks.
Oh mom oh mom!
You do not do, you chose not to.
You curled your hair with tins cans.
Leaving mine to fall in my eyes.
In the silk dress you wore that day you stood over me.
Gesticulating to your friends as you used their bony shoulders to cry upon.

London Elizabeth Kennedy

Copyright ©2004 London Elizabeth Kennedy

Fabulous Female #1

My lil sis: Natalie

Natalie was born 8 August 1986. She has blonde hair and big blue eyes. When she was first born, I tried to sell her to the neighbors because I wanted a baby brother. As the years went by, Natalie aka Natty Bratty, became the missing puzzle piece in my life. Not only did she look like me, which was a plus since no one in my family looked like me at that point, but she worshiped the ground I walked on. She was the most beautiful baby in the whole world. People would stop my mom in the store and tell her how beautiful Natalie was. I was never jealous, I just would stand there grinning. I was very proud of my lil sis. She would watch "My Little Pony" in her crib for hours while my mom talked on the phone to her Avon customers; and when I got home from school, she was like a little puppy, she was always happy to see me. I taught her how to climb trees, and we played the game "thorn bush city." I taught her how to ride her bike, and how to roll her eyes. She is my greatest achievement. Today, she is an amazing woman. She is strong and sensitive. She knows how to fight back the tears on the bad days, and how to laugh when the whole world has gone to hell. She is the most beautiful dancer in the world. I always told her she wasn't a ballerina because she lacks the grace, but on the other hand, she is very talented at tap dancing. Her dance class did this whole routine with no music, all you could hear were the sounds of their tap shoes hitting the hard wood floor. It was amazing. Natalie will be something important, she just doesn't know it yet. Check out her page! www.aforgottensmile.blogspot.com

My newest complaint...me
I have realized that I spend a lot of useful time complaining. I think everyone can be guilty of this at some point or another, but I seem to do it more than anyone else I know. So, I am going to dedicate this next entry not complaining, but bragging. I am surrounded by a wonderful group of friends, most of them being women, and a few stray gay men. (Sorry Eddy.) But these women keep me up when I am down, and hold me down when I am up. (the whole BPD thing.) Without these women, I do not know where I would be today. So, my newest thing: Fabulous Females!!

12 January 2004

When light flashes help is on the way.
I was just in the elevator and below the buttons is this sign, "when light flashes help is on the way." I pondered for a moment if I should push the alarm button. I decided not to.
I was talking with my friend Henry, and he said that Paul (my ex) is doing wonderfully with that bitch Jenny. In fact, they are doing so well that he is moving 6 hours away to be close to her since she is in school. Wonderful. Just wonderful. I am so delighted that my ex is doing so well. I am overjoyed that he is happy and I am alone and miserable. Gotta love life!!! I am under the suspicion that the universe is out to get me. I have gathered that I am destined to spend my life alone with my two cats and my vibrator. This is okay for a Sunday night, but what about all those other nights???
Ok, I will quit my complaining. I will smile and nod, like a good blonde is supposed to do. Shit, I can't use that excuse now that I am a red head. Well, you get my drift. Sometimes, it's hard. Harder than I ever thought it would be. On All My Children, Erica Kane always gets a new love by the end of the show, isn't that it's supposed to be?... I'm confused.
A little side note: Thank you to Dr. Johnson for adding a comment. It was wonderful to see a comment from a woman that I adore and look up to so much!!! And thank you, thank you Pam for adding something as well. You are such a strong woman, I am glad to have you in my life, and when Latasha leaves, we will have to go out to dinner. I will miss my bestest friend too! :(

I really, really wish I could be on time...
Today, I began my spring semester at Miami, and I was 10 minutes late for my math class...go figure! Today was going to be the first day of the rest of my life. I was going to get it "together." I was going to be on time & I was going to think very, very positive. It didn't exactly work out that way for me. Everytime I set a goal, I somehow manage to screw it up. Here is the difference between goals and dreams. It is okay to dream, because they are like fantasies, they are little clouds that float all around you, and it is okay if you don't catch them because they are just dreams. You can dream that you are going to one day be famous, and if this never happens it is no big deal because, afterall, it was just a dream. But goals are a different story. With a goal it is something that you can set and something you plan on obtaining sometime. When you do not achieve your goal, you feel like an utter failure. This is me on a day to day basis. I set all these goals for myself, I am going to get up on time, I am going to eat breakfast, etc...I have found it to be more often than not that I do not ever achieve these "little" trivial goals I set for myself. The problem is: I don't know how to fix this. I have tried so many times, but something always gets in my way. Not sure what to do about this...
For example, I set this goal for myself that I would not call Scott at all this weekend. Well, guess what? Last night at like 1:30 am I called Scott. Of course, he didn't return my call, why would he? We are over, done, finished. Why the hell am I calling him? I dunno...
I want to put on this smile and act as if everything is okay. I want to be normal and bat my eyes and get me a cute boy. I want to tell him how special I am. I want him to want to be with me. I want him to hold me all night and I want him to cry with me. I had this. I had this with Scott, and I pushed too hard. Why can't I be like Elizabeth? She always knows what to do. She understands the "personal space" thing. She knows the importance of time alone. It is an easy concept that I just cannot gather. I want someone to spend lots of time with me, and when I am ready to be alone, I want to turn to them and tell them to go away. Then when I am ready for them to come back, they will with no questions. hmmm...

11 January 2004

Natalie, I just wanted to say that I love you very much! Good luck on your exams!!!

Apparently, money doesn't equal happiness...Who knew?
So, I was at Walmart buying my school supplies, and this house Frau was standing in line before me. She literally spent minutes arguing with the cashier demanding to see a manager because she felt that an item was on sale, and the cashier claimed it wasn't. After paying with her Visa "Gold card" or whatever the hell it was she stormed out with her two children sticking their noses in the air as they marched out the door. The poor cashier was just about in tears, and I felt like it was my duty to say something. Say anything to assure her that not all people are this way. Of course I stood there and just smiled instead. Later, I felt horrible. I wanted to go back to that Walmart cashier and tell her that I know what it feels like to be part of the working class. I wanted to tell her that someday she would have lots of money and be happy, that is until I had my huge revelation...money isn't everything. Obviously we can learn that lesson from the bitchy customer at Walmart. But, honestly, I would rather have my friends and family that all the money in the world. Money satisfies a void until you realize that money is not exactly fun unless you can share it with someone you love...

10 January 2004

Fairy friends for life...
I am sitting at my gay friend Eddie's house. I have realized that the only men I can officially trust are gay men, because they are the only men that are not a threat to me. Scott & I broke up, and I cried for a while, until I realized that it will just take me a few days to get over it and move on, especially since school is starting for me on Monday. I bought my books today and they cost nearly $300!! Why do universities think that college kids can afford this? Don't they understand we eat Ramen Noodles for dinner every night?
I have to admit, I miss Scott. I have spent probably 90% of the time bitching about him, but there was a lot of things he did for me. Who will read me Milton to put me to sleep? I miss that we "fit" together. He was just a little taller than me, and I could lay my head on his shoulder perfectly. Oh well...
I have also realized that since my grandmother is helping me with my bills, I am officially her "bitch." She constantly calls and yells at me for things that are essentially not really that important. i.e. wearing a hat in this "cold weather" as she says. Why spend 30 minutes yelling at me for something so trivial when I am royally fucking up every other aspect of my life?

08 January 2004

Confused...(often)
Ok I am sitting in the library and Scott is by my side. Well, actually he is sitting a few chairs away from me reading a short story I wanted him to read about a couple that has lost their connection. I have realized that we have lost our connection weeks ago, I was just afraid to admit it to myself. Sadly, I would rather be in a horrible relationship, than not to be in a relationship at all. A common idea for many women I know. What the hell is wrong with us??? We accuse men of being immature and not growing up, and yet we can´t even babysit ourselves? Is this what it has come to? Look around, all you see are couples, what happened to that strong single female? Shit, what the hell happened to me?

06 January 2004

Almost forgot...

Happy Birthday, Dee!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, Moochie :)

So Scott calls me last night as I sat with my friend Elizabeth completely freaking out. The one thing I demanded in that conversation was a phone call when he got off work. He succeeded! Good for him, he gets a gold fucking star. I give us another week...

Poor White Trash
My lil sister just informed me that she can no longer view my blog. My heart just broke! I love my lil sis so much! She said that it has to be approved by my mom through something called "parental controls." What the fuck?! Thank god we didn't have this computer/internet shit when I was little, we were entirely too poor. This would be reason #1 of why it is fabulous to grow up poor. Reason #2: when growing up poor, you appreciate the .99 menu at Wendy's and never abuse it. More reasons to come...

I'm a mess
I have this new thing with political buttons. Or any kind of button I can wear. I have this one button that explicitly states, "I'm a mess." Is this the truth or what???

05 January 2004

I subscribe to this website and every day at 3 am (don't question the time, I used to and it made me crazy...um...) I get a new "word of the day." Keeps my mind fresh. When this word came to me the other day, I laughed out loud, ma would be proud... :)

www.dictionary.com

Word of the Day for Sunday January 4, 2004

sycophant \SIK-uh-fuhnt\, noun:
A person who seeks favor by flattering people of wealth or
influence; a parasite; a toady.

The praise Oxford received as a poet may simply have issued
from the mouths of sycophants hungry for patronage.
--Howard Chua-Eoan and Helen Gibson, "The Bard's Beard?"
[1]Time, February 15, 1999

Friendship with the son and daughter-in-law of an
imprisoned Supreme Court justice afforded me a special
pipeline into high-level Ghanaian gossip about the alarming
psychological condition of the head of state, said
alternately to be suffering from delusions of grandeur fed
by sycophants or to be reduced to quivering agoraphobia
after the attempts on his life.
--David Levering Lewis, "Ghana, 1963," The American
Scholar, Winter 1999
_________________________________________________________

Sycophant derives from Greek sukophantes, "an accuser
(especially a false accuser) or rogue," from sukon, "fig" +
phantes, "one who shows," from phainein, "to show."

I try so hard...
I decided weeks ago that I would clean my apartment. So, a few days after Christmas, I used my x-mas cash and went shopping for cleaning supplies. So far I have accomplished nothing. But, I have spent the day obsessing over Scott, calling my friends and freaking out. I was under the assumption that he was dead. When he finally called me back, talking with a rough voice, he mumbled something about getting drunk the night before. Well, that is fucking fabulous!!! I am really glad that my boyfriend can spend his time getting drunk, instead of putting aside a few minutes to call his wonderful and funny girlfriend. (that would be me.) Why I let people control my life I have no idea. I had this long discussion with my older sister today about how my grandma controls me because of monetary reasons, i.e. she is paying my bills. So, I fuck up constantly, but at least I am consistent! :)

04 January 2004

It has been two days since I have heard from boy toy, hell, I am sick of the nickname, I can't take it anymore! It has been two days since I have heard from Scott. But, I am not obsessing. I just, I just don't understand. Everybody loves me! (usually, well, I thought...)

Life is like a game of football...
I have realized that life is much like a game of football. You are on a team (your friends) and you are all fighting against another team (aka: your enemies...like boy toys...) You spend most of the time kissing someone's ass, looking for the answers. Then, you catch the ball and run down the field all alone, because your friends can't always go with you. You pray to score a touchdown...and this repeats over and over again. The only difference: you never know if you win or loose...

A Poem
I miss the way he used to kiss me,
tenderly on my lips.
I miss the way he used to hold me all through the night.
I miss his heart beating rhythmically with mine.
I miss the way we used to make love
and look into each other's eyes.
I miss that connection we had together.
I miss how when I used to walk into a room, the busy world would stop,
and it would just be us standing there
holding each other.
I miss how we used to laugh.
I miss telling him my secrets of my past.
I miss him searching for the answers.
I miss him,
yet,
he is sitting right next to me.

03 January 2004

I have BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder aka what the main character had in Girl, Interpreted. I was reading up on it last night in a book called, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. A very good book might I add. Anyway, basically the book told me I am fucked up and destined to spend a life alone because I cling too much and I annoy people. Yeah, this would be why I do not like "self-help" books...

check out my lil sis' blog!!! http://aforgottensmile.blogspot.com/

I broke my laptop, and since then my world has not been the same. I miss it so!! It is funny how much we depend on technology. I never thought I would actually get past my typewriter that I used all through high school. Well, boy toy and I have been fighting like cats and dogs. I ask for too much he complains. I just want a little love. I care for him so much, but like I said to the guy I danced with at the bar the other night, Tom was his name (I think), sometimes love is not enough.

01 January 2004

I figured now would be a good time to tell a bit about myself. It's the new year, and I feel "fresh" and I am in a fairly decent mood. Ok, let's see where do I begin? My name is not London. Yes, that seems like a good start. London is my pen name, because when I become a famous poet, I don't want my mother to sue me for telling all the family secrets so I changed my name. I live currently in the Dayton area, this is because I go to Miami University. I love school, I'm a dork, but not a big enough dork to actually get good grades. I'm average. I have two cats that are the pride and joy of my life. Suweh (this means Beautiful in Thai) and Satine (from Moulin Rouge.) I do have a boy toy as I like to refer to him, but I always keep my options open. If you know me, you know this is true. I currently have red hair, (this is known to change from time to time) and blue eyes. Enough of the boring crap. I am a poet, or at least try to be a poet. I love poetry. I live eat and breath poetry. It is my life. My favorite poets include Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, and Allen Ginsberg. I also love to read. I am currently reading a book called Prozac Nation which I have been reading for a long time now (It's a long story.) Let me just say now: I know that the title of the book should be in bold or italics or something, but I am really horrible at this computer stuff...So please excuse that, I will have to ask Elizabeth to show me how to do it properly. Anyway, I have two sisters. Tiffany and Natalie. I am very close to Natalie. She is beautiful. Tiffany is married to Mike and has two kids, Gabrielle and Owen. My mother drives my insane, in fact it is safe to say I really don't like her (much). But, for all intents and purposes, she is my mother, blah, blah. My grandma and I are very close. She is basically my mother figure. I love her to death, but she drives everyone else crazy. I am like the only one who can deal with her. I have lots of people I call friends, but my closest friend is Elizabeth, who I do believe walks on water. She is amazing. She is incredibly intelligent, she never ceases to amaze me. My other close friends include Tarah who will be getting married to Ben in Feb. Tarah and I have been friends since high school. (more about her later...) Latasha and I are close as well. She just accepted a job a Philip Morris and will be moving soon. :( But I am proud of her. She dates a boy named Barry. We all love Barry. He is our Barry favorite. That is what we all say...My life is full of chaos. Some in which I create, some is just the universe plotting aganist me. But for now, at this moment I am happy...happy...happy...

I am very tired. I didn't go to sleep until 6am. And even still, it was not a restful sleep. I kept having weird dreams. This new medicine that I am on that is supposed to help with my insomnia (spelling?) doesn't quite work. It makes my body very tired, but my mind is still racing. Weird...I kept dreaming about sex with my boy toy. (This would be due to the lack of sex.) He had a legitimate excuse...Really..He does. I think. I am not going to get into the excuse, because I wouldn't even know how to explain. It's just that, he is so young, and I am soooo ready...Um...Why is it that men are so surprised by women's libido? Hello, we are horny!!! I love sex, I crave it like I crave peanut butter and chips when I am on my period. (don't ask.) Why are men surprised by this? My friend and I were just having this conversation the other day. Are women still supposed to be submissive about their sexual feelings? Are we not allowed to yell and scream, "I want it!!!" I thought we were all past this. I thought we had grown.

I forgot to mention: If you would like to see how a real blog looks, then go to my link, Teach me to behave and sample my brilliant friend's work! :)

Here is some poetry:

All day I sit at the window,
I sit next to the weather,
studying shadows,
Like an indoor cat,
until dusk,
when the sky
walks me home.
Dorothea Grossman

Ok so this is the situation. I have been dating boy toy for three months on the 3rd. Funny thing is, I love him. He is amazing, that is when it is convenient for him. He can be very charming and he is extremely intelligent. When he has the time for me, I really enjoy his company. There is just one issue: he rarely has time for me. He works a lot at the bar, so therefore, he is married to this illusion of happiness where he is popular and is escaping reality. The reality is that he is completely commitment phobic. When I told him I loved him he freaked. In fact I recall him replying to my endearing words by saying, "would you be upset if I didn't say it back?" Well hell yes I would have been upset, and he knew that so to avoid an argument he whispered I love you, too. I realize now that his answer was probably not a good reply. He doesn't love me, or if he does he sure has a funny way of showing it to me. He easily puts me aside and often makes me miserable. But I have this sick idea in my head that I am not complete unless I have a man on my left side. It's not that I especially need a man to survive, but I need that companionship. This idea stems from my mother. And even though I saw her through two failed marriages, I still see that lonely look in her eyes when she watches couples in movies. She is utterly alone, and I do know one thing that will not be me. I will not be the girl that stands alone at parties. I know I have friends, and they are wonderful and I am very grateful for my friendships, but they can't hold me at night and give me kisses on my neck and tell me I am sexy. I love him because he reads Chaucer to help me sleep. I love him because when our fingers fold together it is like they were meant for each other. I love him because he calls me sweetie, and he buys me intensive care lotion for my dry elbows. I wish he knew how much I cared...

hmmm...

I just finished my New Year's Eve celebration with my friends. We played games, watched the official "ball" drop, and we watched our favorite show "Sex and the City." We all had a blast. At midnight, we all took turns calling our families and screaming "Happy New Year!!!" When you don't plan something in advance, it usually turns out better because you don't expect anything. I didn't expect to have so much fun, but I did. It was nice being with my best friend, Elizabeth. Even though my boy toy was working, and I wasn't able to give him a New Year's kiss, I was able to hug my very best friend and tell her happy new year. Friends are the most important things in the world. Next to sisterhood that is...

Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com