i Wish i Could Be On Time!

12 January 2004

I really, really wish I could be on time...
Today, I began my spring semester at Miami, and I was 10 minutes late for my math class...go figure! Today was going to be the first day of the rest of my life. I was going to get it "together." I was going to be on time & I was going to think very, very positive. It didn't exactly work out that way for me. Everytime I set a goal, I somehow manage to screw it up. Here is the difference between goals and dreams. It is okay to dream, because they are like fantasies, they are little clouds that float all around you, and it is okay if you don't catch them because they are just dreams. You can dream that you are going to one day be famous, and if this never happens it is no big deal because, afterall, it was just a dream. But goals are a different story. With a goal it is something that you can set and something you plan on obtaining sometime. When you do not achieve your goal, you feel like an utter failure. This is me on a day to day basis. I set all these goals for myself, I am going to get up on time, I am going to eat breakfast, etc...I have found it to be more often than not that I do not ever achieve these "little" trivial goals I set for myself. The problem is: I don't know how to fix this. I have tried so many times, but something always gets in my way. Not sure what to do about this...
For example, I set this goal for myself that I would not call Scott at all this weekend. Well, guess what? Last night at like 1:30 am I called Scott. Of course, he didn't return my call, why would he? We are over, done, finished. Why the hell am I calling him? I dunno...
I want to put on this smile and act as if everything is okay. I want to be normal and bat my eyes and get me a cute boy. I want to tell him how special I am. I want him to want to be with me. I want him to hold me all night and I want him to cry with me. I had this. I had this with Scott, and I pushed too hard. Why can't I be like Elizabeth? She always knows what to do. She understands the "personal space" thing. She knows the importance of time alone. It is an easy concept that I just cannot gather. I want someone to spend lots of time with me, and when I am ready to be alone, I want to turn to them and tell them to go away. Then when I am ready for them to come back, they will with no questions. hmmm...

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