i Wish i Could Be On Time!

01 January 2004

Ok so this is the situation. I have been dating boy toy for three months on the 3rd. Funny thing is, I love him. He is amazing, that is when it is convenient for him. He can be very charming and he is extremely intelligent. When he has the time for me, I really enjoy his company. There is just one issue: he rarely has time for me. He works a lot at the bar, so therefore, he is married to this illusion of happiness where he is popular and is escaping reality. The reality is that he is completely commitment phobic. When I told him I loved him he freaked. In fact I recall him replying to my endearing words by saying, "would you be upset if I didn't say it back?" Well hell yes I would have been upset, and he knew that so to avoid an argument he whispered I love you, too. I realize now that his answer was probably not a good reply. He doesn't love me, or if he does he sure has a funny way of showing it to me. He easily puts me aside and often makes me miserable. But I have this sick idea in my head that I am not complete unless I have a man on my left side. It's not that I especially need a man to survive, but I need that companionship. This idea stems from my mother. And even though I saw her through two failed marriages, I still see that lonely look in her eyes when she watches couples in movies. She is utterly alone, and I do know one thing that will not be me. I will not be the girl that stands alone at parties. I know I have friends, and they are wonderful and I am very grateful for my friendships, but they can't hold me at night and give me kisses on my neck and tell me I am sexy. I love him because he reads Chaucer to help me sleep. I love him because when our fingers fold together it is like they were meant for each other. I love him because he calls me sweetie, and he buys me intensive care lotion for my dry elbows. I wish he knew how much I cared...

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