i Wish i Could Be On Time!

27 February 2004

Booty Call 411
Hallmark Man: Hi Peach
London: Hey
Hallmarkman: Whatcha doin' tonight?
London: I dunno...what am I doin'?
Hallmark Man: Meee?
London: We'll see...
*CLICK*
I was over at his house in less than an hour. God, I'm such a doormat!!!

25 February 2004

Cunt
the cunt with curls
that twirls and whirls
she drinks dark beer
usually sitting right here
but tonight i took her seat
in my own personal defeat
to the cunt with curls
that twirls and whirls

24 February 2004

Natalie:
Unfortunately I do not have all the answers. I wish I did. I wish I could come and help you escape the hell that you are going through, but only you are in charge of your destiny here on earth. I will say that your education is imperative for survival. In order to get out of your house you need to focus somehow on school; otherwise you will end up in a big mess with the law. Seriously, you are still a minor and you need to take that into consideration. Until you turn 18 you are the government's bitch. (Not to mention moms). I think you need to consider seeing a therapist. Talk to mom about it. I love my therapist, I really do. She has helped me in way that you will never be able to understand. Every time I tell mom to talk to you about counseling, she says that you refuse to go. I don't know what to believe these days. I am here for you lil' sis, but I can't do much. I am still pretty unstable and I need to try and get it together as well. As far as the suicide thing goes: well, don't. Just don't. After working in the two nursing homes I worked in, I will never try to take my life again. When you hold the hand of a person that is taking their last breath, and see the look of fear in their eyes, you'll never want to have those negative thoughts again. Death is not pretty, and one is never prepared. Trust me. I saw women and men that I really thought were religious people crying to live in their last days, because we just don't know what happens. All I know is that I sure don't want to find out. I love you will all my heart; you are my pride and joy. You are so beautiful and I know that you have a real smile deep down, not the painted one you are writing about, a real smile. You just have to work to find that smile...it's there I know it is! Love you 2 much!!!!

23 February 2004

Blog Doc???
I have somehow managed to mess up my blog. Now as you go down the page, my words get smaller and smaller. Is there a blog Doc out there? anyone know how to fix this?

20 February 2004

Photography & Destruction=A Depressing Equation
FOR YOUR INFORMATION: This was a recent forward to me from a friend...
Keep a watch out for people standing near you at retail
stores, restaurants, grocery stores, etc., that have a cell phone in hand. With the
new camera cell phones, they can take a picture of your credit card, which gives them your name, number, and expiration date. Identification theft is one of the fastest growing scams today, and this is just another example of the means that are being used. So..................Be aware of your surroundings.

19 February 2004

Poetry Pessimistic Personality
This is my new illness; I have decided this yesterday as I glided across the stage to receive my MD. No, just kidding, I wish though…My fabulous Literature Professor Dr. Johnson sends me this email asking me to stop by her office the other day. She wants me to enter this poetry contest! Me! Silly Rabbit!! I look at my poems like they are drawings done by a four-year-old. They are elementary compared to the other poets I know. Yes, Chris, this definitely includes you. You are amazing; I wish I had your talent. I wonder if I will be that starving artist that my mother claims I will become, living in a cardboard box holding out my coffee cup, I’m scared…

17 February 2004

Two Berry’s and the Wedding Bell Blues (In IV Phases)
Phase I: A Real Men Loves Jesus
I had to go to my best friend’s wedding this past weekend in Lancaster, Ohio. After a disappointing revelation that I would be making the almost three hour trip alone, I went and bought gas for $1.69! Boo to Bush for that! Anyway, I cleaned my windshield and bought a new pack of cigarettes, a coke (a must have) and some munchies (gummy worms-my favorite-and cheese crackers-also my favorite). On my way to the wedding, surprisingly enough, my lil’ Nellie (that’s my car’s name: Nellie the Neon) did a fabulous job! She didn’t fuck up once! Snaps to Nellie! So, I’m driving the 89 miles on rt. 71 towards rt. 270 behind a pick-up truck that had a bumper sticker that said, “Real Men Love Jesus.” I hadn’t heard that one before! Maybe I’m looking for Mr. Right in the wrong place; I made a mental note to hit the churches when I got back in town.
Phase II: Fired Up
Tarah, in her nervousness of being the bride throws her cloth napkin onto the table right next to a candle when Father asks us to stand in prayer. Meanwhile: I open my eyes; just for a peek during prayer because I can’t keep my eyes shut due to my paranoia, and see the napkin going up in flames. I gasped and picked up the napkin and hold it out for Dave (Karyn’s hubby) to pour a tall glass of water on the small forest fire. Tarah didn’t know any of this was even going on…
Phase III: Miniature Barbie Dolls Multiply
Tarah and her sister Karyn look like the Olsen twins. Being only 16 months apart, they are beautiful. Tarah looked amazing! She wore a backless and strapless flowing gown that really showed off her flawless skin. Her hair is short, and she had this cute flip hairdo like Meg Ryan always sports. Karyn wore her hair up and it was twisted this way and that. She too, looked beautiful! When the girls were dancing around the dance floor, I commented to them that they looked like miniature Barbie dolls.
Phase IV: A Bride, a Groom and a Wallflower
Yes you guessed it: I WAS the wallflower. While everyone danced and danced, I spent most of the evening holding up the wall. This is not because I don’t know how to buggy, nor do I not love, love, love to dance; I was just having a pity party for myself. The realism of the situation was setting in: this was my best friend, and now she’s married. I was so depressed! With the exception of maybe three people in my life I am the only person I know that is not married or at least in a somewhat serious relationship. This wedding bit didn’t help. After the wedding was over and Tarah and Ben climbed into their white stretch limo and headed off for their honeymoon, I headed back to their house alone. I slept with an awesome girl that night. Her name is Hershey, she is Karyn’s Black Lab.
Good Luck to Tarah and Ben Berry! I love you both!!!!!

14 February 2004

Three Blind Mice
This pest week has been a whirlwind of emotions for many people. It all began talking one friend of mine out of committing suicide. I found this difficult to me because she keep saying those redundant complaints “I try and try, & all I get is rejection.” Yeah, yeah I’ve been there done that, everyday. There is not one day that goes by in my life that suicide is not a part of my day for me. It is the answer to most of my failures, “well I’ll just kill myself and rid the world of this horrific person...” What was I to tell my friend? Life gets better? Then there was another friend of mine that had a huge letdown. It didn’t matter what I said to console her, it wasn’t the answer. She felt lost, and I felt even more lost trying to help. Why do people think I have the answers? I detest being that tower of strength for my friends, because I'm not; I'm just simply not. I’m insane, don’t they see this? I can’t even get it together enough to pay my own rent for Christ’s sake! But this is what loyalty to friends is all about; you cry on my shoulder, I’ll cry on yours. It’s a continuous circle, but I can’t play my part, thus making it some disordered shape, maybe it could be considered a triangle of sort. Maybe I’m just a horrible friend. The third person was me. Tonight was the worst night I’ve had at the blues club. I was constantly belittled by one boss, while the other just yelled at me for the last 60 minutes I was working. Nothing I did tonight was good enough for anyone. I can’t be happy anywhere. I see happiness for only a short while, then it becomes an illusion, and I ponder if I was ever really happy to begin with…

13 February 2004

Triumphal Heat As seen on Amazon.com
In this brilliant film about the life and death of one of America’s most poignant poets, Sylvia Plath, the film takes a turn and looks at the triumph of suicide. In today’s society suicide is often labeled with negative conations; but to poet Sylvia Plath, her death was a success. Sylvia Plath suffered with mental illness for years and as the days continued for her, daily life was harder to face. Death to her was salvation. Sylvia took her own life to save the lives of her children. For people to understand this concept, they must understand the destruction of a mental illness. By using her poetry this film tells the story of Sylvia’s life. The film is an excellent depiction of the life of Sylvia Plath. Not only does this film brilliantly show her life, but it also looks deep inside the heartache of psychological sickness. This film shows the oppressiveness of Sylvia Plath’s most important companion, Ted Hughes. The film illustrates Ted Hughes as a man who was filled with broken promises, which is a beautiful representation of the truth that is often not explained to followers of Sylvia Plath. This film is a story that should been seen and discussed especially by those who suffer mental illness. The film makes a person wonder about their own lives, yet at the same time gives a bit of hope and the strength to continue. London Kennedy

Annihilation of the Tyrant
Beware daddy beware
Your hands cannot touch me now
My soul is lifeless as here I lie under the masses of clay and rock
My headstone is as cold as a schoolroom blackboard bearing not even my name
I have had to suicide daddy
The nightmarish whispers call upon me to often
Our secret our secret our secret
This time
The light
Was definite daddy
I followed
To a promise of safer worlds
A place where my innocence is untouched and my spirit is free
Soon the blackness of your filter will worm through and you will join the circle of hell
Where the fallen angels greet you among the blazing fire
And I will experience comfort once and for all
The booze in hell is bubbling just as did my blood whenever I had thoughts of your eyes
Time catches up to a person daddy
Even to boy scouts who know their pledge
Only this once you cannot escape the mouth of hell as it swallows you whole
No one can save you
This is your fate for all the cruelty you threw on my young body
Now you’ll feel empathetic to MY lifestyle
Vengeance is bliss
Beware daddy beware
London Kennedy

12 February 2004

THANKS FROM ALL THE ANIMALS!
The Animal RescueSite is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every
day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free. This doesn't cost you a thing. Theircorporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising.
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com Thanks! London

Tequila Rosie Sex
Last night in the midst of happy drunken madness I danced to “I’m a Joker” by Steve Miller Band and held the one man I will always love in my arms. He is suave and most definitely one of my biggest mistakes. I have been pinioning after for years. Hallmark Man is the finest card I’ve ever read. So, after the consumption of one too many alcoholic beverages, I left the blues club with him on my arm (actually it was more like he was carrying me to the car). I realized that a woman comes to the conclusion that it is rather depressing coming home to two cats and no messages on the answering machine. I know that Hallmark Man is not the answer to my loneliness, but one night with him sure makes me feel at least an 8 or so; for the time being anyway. If I could mix my lives together, I’d have the perfect house with a writing job during the day, a night club job in the evening, a man that is my companion and lover. Unfortunately, this is not going to happen. So I will deal with one life at a time, now it’s time for that god-awful Brit. Lit. Class…yawn…..

11 February 2004

To Dr Kelli Johnson, my mentor & my hero
Cradled Tears
I saw La Llorona once
But not as a spirit or a ghostly figure
I saw her in the eyes of a woman who wept with me as I claimed my destiny
My life that I live day after day for others
If not to live for people I would not live at all
I saw La Llorona once
But not in her usual form
She wept human tears clear and precise
They fell from her sad eyes into the palm of my hand
I cried too, but my tears were captured
I saw La Llorona once
Sitting in a wooden chair beside me
As a human a mother a wife a professor a mentor a hero
She wanted to reach out to me and hold me but she withdrew from that closeness
She yearned to tell me that life by the water was safe
I saw La Llorona once
She became a part of me
She cried oh
She wept for the pain
She did not want to let me go alone
I saw La Llorona once
She took my hand in hers and gave me all the love she could give
She read me poems of strength
She exposed me to new life and whispered to me tell your story even though it has been told a thousand times because your story is unique
She taught me that weeping was a part of the pain but the pain is part of love and love is a part of life
I saw La Llorona once
London Kennedy

10 February 2004

Ethnic Cleansing
There was once a time when the red ruled the earth
A time when Pangaea existed
The land separated as did the red
From this segregation came
The difference
When white ruled all
The rest would fall
When the womb was a place of pain
And the medicine man could not cure birth
When the clouds clashed together and the war began
It rained of sorrow for years to come and the mud seeped its way into homes and hearts
And all souls buried into stone
The bear grew weak and the deer lost beauty
The tree that once gave shade hung low
Their branches dusting the floor of the earth with sadness
Along came the power that colonized the people
Claiming separation is the answer
Euro-centric ideologies became the word
Where white is right
Where infantile thoughts are used to oppress human beings
When prayers become mainstream
They said but not heard
Where religious assimilation is forced
And even the gods’ judge
Where the constitution is outlawed to ones who do not look pure
Where Aryan eyes gleam with anger and hearts become black
Where the villagers enslave the human race
And poke and poke
Where education is a privilege
And language is unspoken
Where the leaders are damned
And the commoners are fucked
London Kennedy

The Weeping Woman
I recently learned about the legend of La Llorona (thanks to the fabulous Dr Johnson) in my Latino/a Literature class. Check out the webpage that tells the legend. La Llorona is an amazing woman! I believe in her...do you???
www.lallorona.com

The Duchess of Grammar...Sara Fergusson
Well, well will you look at the time! It's before 11am and I am actually awake, and sort of functioning! Snaps to me! Anyway I woke up to Sara Fergusson on my TV this morning. She was talking about some weight loss program that she has been on and has lost 80 lbs; good for her! In her interview she said "this weight loss program teached me" I lost it after teached...teached!!!!! Oh no!!! Sara! What the hell is this? Teached??!!! Taught sweetie, taught!!! Shit oh dear!!!

09 February 2004

Dear friend,
In an attempt to escape responsibility for the misleading statements that led the nation to war, President Bush has announced plans to form an independent inquiry to look into what went wrong. An inquiry would serve the Bush administration well: it would envelop the issue in a fog of uncertainty, deflect blame onto the intelligence services, and push any political damage into 2005, after the upcoming election.
But the facts need no clarification. Despite repeated warnings from the CIA and Defense Intelligence Agency, President Bush and his administration hyped and distorted the threat that Iraq posed. And now that reality is setting in, the President seeks to pin the blame on someone else. We can't let him.
Congress has the power to censure the President -- to formally reprimand him for his betrayal of the nation's trust. If ever there was a time to use this function, it is now. Join the call for Congress to censure President Bush now at:
http://www.moveon.org/censure/?id=-3804236-Ar2zaxv2wxDRyQlMUz0g5g

Thanks.
Stolen from: liberaleric.blogspot.com/

Must go take this quiz!!!
*I was Kate Libby a character from the movie Hackers. I am (according to this quiz) intelligent, self-reliant, and unique. I have my own style. I know what I want and how to get it...pretty accurate! What are you???
http://acidflowers.com/angie_quiz.htm
~>This was taken from the blog address: http://www.livejournal.com/users/doc_the_weasel/

08 February 2004

no words
i hunger for words to flow onto the pale manuscript yearning for some sort of affection from its lover like seamen trickling down the esophagus after good oral sex with love and hate all at once
neglect of talent in many ways tears scatter on the pages puddles of black and blue ink nothing but an image of modern art
anger but no words as i sit with a pillow upon my knees listening to sixties folk music praying for an inspiration hoping for words of beauty and my pen and my mind to make love and create a child called poetry
i return devastated to verses with no rhythm and phrases that are not worthwhile to my audience
i have become a stranger to poetry and abnormally brilliant at contemplating absolutely nothing
no words
london kennedy

Fabulous Female!!!
My girl, April
My girlie, April, is a wonderful and strong woman. Even though she won’t like me saying all this person information about her, I going to gossip anyway, ‘cause my peeps gotta know!! Anyway, April is a mother of two little boys (Matthew and Brandon) and one stepson, Freddy. April and her husband, Brian have been together for I think like nine years. April works a full work week (40 hrs+), goes to Miami University with me, and is a wife and mother. She is so strong, I seriously can’t figure out how she keeps it all together. I am a generally weak person, either tearing up or ready to slit my wrists, while April juggles all these different jobs and still has time to keep a smile on her face. We met in one of ma’s classes, I sat next to her because she looked responsible, and I definitely picked a good seat! See, the class began at 8:05am, and by reading this page you ought to know I am NOT the “early to rise” kind of gal. Due to this “personal flaw” of mine, April would call me every morning to make sure I made it to class. I don’t know how I would have made it without her! Not only was she my personal alarm, she was also my personal study buddy. She would drive 45 minutes to meet with me and help me cram for exams claming that helping me cram helped her study as well, not sure about this philosophy…she is a wonderful friend. She is the perfect combo of always being on my side and playing the devil’s advocate when necessary to teach me a lesson. April is definitely, definitely fabulous!!!! PS~> Happy Birthday April!!!

Lil sis says:
Saturday, January 31, 2004
your eyes are blinded by painted smiles...
you're just another face in the crowd...
# posted by _herself_ @ 1/31/2004 04:39:28 PM
www.aforgottensmile.blogspot.com

Instability explored…
Tonight at work I made a very important decision. This was only after two business men (in suits and ties no less), asked me to hold their table so that they could go “burn one.” I was shocked! I know that in Eyes Wide Shut Nicole and Tom smoked pot constantly, but do all adults have this habit? I thought that was the high school thing to do. After telling these men that I refused to hold their table and rolling my eyes, I decided it was time for ME to “grow up.” This is a thought that goes through my head every so often, but is usually ignored. I went to one of the women at work and asked her if she would help me keep track of my tips so that I can start to pay my bills on my own and repay back my grandmother. To my surprise, she laughed and said that she was not financially stable either. Well shit oh dear, what is a girl to do? Dr. Johnson always jokes about the day that a child realizes that his/her parents are real people, and they don’t know everything. Sadly, I realized this at age two or so; but I always looked at certain adults with that childlike wonder; thinking that they had it all together. I have found out that I am not the only one having trouble growing up. I do wish to find some normality in my life and someone that is stable and that can help me! Maybe I should just buck it up and grow up on my own, but I’m utterly terrified…

Good luck!!!
Good luck to Latasha who is going out into the real world! I'll miss you, keep in touch!

07 February 2004

Take action!
Urge Congress to Support Emergency Contraception for Rape Survivors
The Compassionate Assistance for Rape Emergencies Act (S. 1564 or H.R. 2527) would require all hospitals to offer emergency contraception to survivors of rape or sexual assault. http://now.org/

I'm over it...kinda
Tonight was rough at work. Not because I was busy, I truly wasn't; but because there were all these cute little couples at the club. This is no big deal; I'm over it...kinda. After work, I went out with a few friends. Shona and Jamie. They are a really sweet couple. Jamie has a wonderful sense of humor, and Shona I feel very comfortable around. I have a good feeling about Shona. She seems real, honest. I like talking with her. She always says, "yeah, yeah" or "I know what you're saying." I love it when people see my way! No, really they are both really nice and I am glad I have met both of them. Snaps to the working class!

06 February 2004

The Ring
I find it funny how best friends always know "the ring." You know what I'm talking about; the ring that is very distinguishable from all other types of rings. Like the ring of "hey I had the most amazing sex last night," versus the "hey I want to shave my head" ring. When I phoned Tarah today, she knew which ring it was. You guessed it; it was the "shaving of the head” ring. All she said was "don't do it!" There are two things I can control in my life: #1 my weight and #2 my hair color. When I am going through a rough time, I am usually obsessing over at least one of these two things. Today, it was my hair. So I dyed it...black.

I shouldn't...
I have always been told by my insane mother that the middle child is most susceptible to becoming an alcoholic; especially when the middle child stems from an alcoholic father and grandfather. I never believed her. Lately, downing a drink makes me fill an empty void...

Today I said goodbye...
Everyone says goodbye. People say goodbye all the time. This phrase becomes part of normal conversation, yet it is so often overlooked. Today, I said goodbye to three very important people in my life. One I know I will see again. The other, I will almost certainly see soon. But, the last one I said goodbye to, I will probably not ever have the chance to say goodbye to that person again. No, I am not being dramatic; I am utterly serious. The last person was my Scott. I shouldn't have thought what went through my head. I figured we could remain friends. I can't. I just can't. As soon as I saw him all those "old" feelings came back. (I don't think they ever really left.) I love him. I wish I knew how to let go. Why isn't love enough?

04 February 2004

Excuse me…have you seen Oprah?
What the hell has happened to Oprah? Lately she has gone back to that horrible “talk show” genre. I mean for awhile there she was actually stepping out of that stereotypical talk show image and doing some really interesting show topics. She was interviewing people that had importance, like Nicole Kidman for example. Now she is back to that Jerry Springer shit and interviewing women that have had affairs. Boo! I want Nicole back!

02 February 2004

What if you have a "thing" for your familiar???
I know this is now turning into an advice column for London; but hell, I need help! Seriously!

Ashes
Perhaps it is better for a woman to never love than to love at all
Suppose that love is well within your reach
Yet all forces of nature forbids this love
To warm by a fire with the snow falling on shoulders
A meaningless idea to most
Thus it may be better for a weary soul to sit and enjoy the flames
Rather than to let those flames dwell deep inside

London Kennedy

Big Fish???
My friend, April, has been begging me to see this movie called Big Fish so I went to see it with her this evening. We should have been working on our book review that is due for our Anthropology class instead, but entertainment calls...anyway, this movie was much like Forrest Gump with a twist of fantasy. Honestly, I don't care much for fantasy, but I must say I give this movie at least 3 1/2 *'s. The movie was about a relationship between a parent and a child. The end of the movie had a wonderful lesson. (Don't worry, I won't tell you the ending.) I will say though that if you haven't seen this movie yet, check it out, it is well worth your time. Thanks, April!

01 February 2004

Lady Lazarus
I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it-----
A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot
A paperweight,
My featureless, fine
Jew linen.
Peel off the napkin
O my enemy.
Do I terrify?-------
The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.
Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me
And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.
This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.
What a million filaments.
The Peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see
Them unwrap me hand in foot ------
The big strip tease.
Gentleman , ladies
These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,
Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.
The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut
As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.
Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.
I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.
It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical
Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:
'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge
For the eyeing my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart---
It really goes.
And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood
Or a piece of my hair on my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.
I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby
That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.
Ash, ash---
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there----
A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.
Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.
Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.
Sylvia Plath

Frozen
I am a woman of the shadows
I mind that I am alone when the sun rises
The birds fly together and sing tunes of love
While I sit alone in my study
This attraction to a companionship makes me mad
To realize the truth of being by myself
I grow colder as the days go forth
Oh how I wish for a fiery love to warm my frozen heart
I wish to feel safe in the kiss of a lover
To look into eyes that speak of love for me
London Kennedy

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