i Wish i Could Be On Time!

14 February 2004

Three Blind Mice
This pest week has been a whirlwind of emotions for many people. It all began talking one friend of mine out of committing suicide. I found this difficult to me because she keep saying those redundant complaints “I try and try, & all I get is rejection.” Yeah, yeah I’ve been there done that, everyday. There is not one day that goes by in my life that suicide is not a part of my day for me. It is the answer to most of my failures, “well I’ll just kill myself and rid the world of this horrific person...” What was I to tell my friend? Life gets better? Then there was another friend of mine that had a huge letdown. It didn’t matter what I said to console her, it wasn’t the answer. She felt lost, and I felt even more lost trying to help. Why do people think I have the answers? I detest being that tower of strength for my friends, because I'm not; I'm just simply not. I’m insane, don’t they see this? I can’t even get it together enough to pay my own rent for Christ’s sake! But this is what loyalty to friends is all about; you cry on my shoulder, I’ll cry on yours. It’s a continuous circle, but I can’t play my part, thus making it some disordered shape, maybe it could be considered a triangle of sort. Maybe I’m just a horrible friend. The third person was me. Tonight was the worst night I’ve had at the blues club. I was constantly belittled by one boss, while the other just yelled at me for the last 60 minutes I was working. Nothing I did tonight was good enough for anyone. I can’t be happy anywhere. I see happiness for only a short while, then it becomes an illusion, and I ponder if I was ever really happy to begin with…

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