i Wish i Could Be On Time!

31 March 2004

I cannot see ahead of me
all I know is what I feel
the keys on my fingertips
the way mother whispers the notes in my head
b b flat b sharp
I cannot see ahead of me
all I know is what I feel
the way he stands behind me breathing in my ear
the softness of the pages worn with age
I cannot see ahead of me
all I know is what I feel
my heart skips a beat when they applaud in the rows
their bracelets jingle with delight the audience gives their own sort of masterpiece
I smile to myself
I cannot see ahead of me
all I know is what I feel
the way the night smells when I leave the hall
as I carry my roses in my arms

27 March 2004

somewhere there is this world where the grass is brown
and everyone has gone mad
a world where all the quills have been burned
and the ink has dried
and the paper flaked into the sky
to not have the
of expressing words to paper
has made the heart of imagination
pass into the hands of the master
who grips his keys
the very tools to life

26 March 2004

And Somewhere Between the Past and Present, Little Miss Muffit Had To Grow Up…
My friend Ryan tells me that it’s time to grow up. Sniff, Sniff... Then I ponder: did Little Miss Muffit ever grow up? No one said she had to take 400 level classes in college and go to Oxford. I don’t understand…

24 March 2004

Fabulous Female!!
Dr. Christy Karnes
Loco for LUNA bars...

In these dreary final days of winter, when the sun and the moon seem unwilling to submit to springtime, I decided it was time for some cheering up for my readers. It wasn’t supposed to happen…I thought the woman hated me. Here’s the thing: she probably didn’t like me… (Too much anyway) being that I kept skipping her class; but she pushed me. She made me work so fucking hard, and I began to dislike her in the process. I mean please, this pretty little Irish princess working for a good grade? Please!? Well, yes, you better believe it, I did. I worked my little ass off. And I ended up getting a perfect score on my midterm! Go me! Time has passed, and I am over the “sucking up” sessions and have now moved on to the, “my god, I really love this class!” time. And I do. Me, a contemporary American literature gal, in love with British literature. My friend Angie just giggles at the thought and shakes her head saying, “I knew you’d give in, I knew you would…” And so I have. Christy has become one of my most favorite people in the whole wide world. I don’t have to be superficial around her. I can be my adorable self. I can ask questions to things I have always wondered, and not feel like a total idiot. I can tell her about Hallmark Man and not feel like a complete looser for getting involved with him. I can talk to her about my anorexia and not feel ashamed. She understands so much; and always gives me advice. For instance, she tells me to go get these things called LUNA bars, and so I did. Later that week I told her that they tasted like shit, and she just laughed and replied, “Yea, fuck you” laugh, laugh. Christy is a wonderful woman, and a good role model for me as a student. She has taught me to be more patient with myself and to look at things in a different way. I could go on and on forever, but all I can say is that if Miami had a professor of the year award, I’d nominate her! Christy is definitely, definitely, fabulous!!!!!

23 March 2004

Dear President Bush,
One Dollar and Sixty-Eight Fuckin Cents!!!
I went to get gas, and that is how much I had to pay! Yea, thanks asshole!

18 March 2004

Monetary Values
This morning I was watching Regis and Kelly on T.V. Kelly is probably the most self-absorbed woman I have ever seen! And what to do with poor aging Regis who doesn’t know up from down. Their guest was Jon Bon Jovi who I have had a personal attachment to since as long as I can remember. Until about 9:30am, that is. “I didn’t have to go to college because I was already making money from my records at age twenty” Jon Bon Jovi. He said this as he flipped his hair this way and that which made me hate him even more. What a comment. Now, education is comparable to socio-economic standards? Bullshit. What about going to college just for the pure and simple fact of heightening your education? Furthermore, I am majoring in Literature & Creative Writing, and I know I’ll be a waitress until the day I die, or I am finally discovered which ever comes first. I am not in school for a higher class, or more money. I will most difinately leave my university in debt, but I will have a smile in my face and I will be the most liked person at cocktail parties due to my education. Thanks, Miami University!

17 March 2004

Childhood Memories
There are some good aspects of my childhood. Yes, I know it’s shocking for me to have an optimistic flashback, but occasionally I will. My family is very Irish, and we’re not the kind to “fake it” on St. Patrick’s for attention, we really are Irish. My heritage stems from Cork County, Ireland. So being that this is a big day for my family, we always did one thing that was memorable. On St. Patrick’s Day, my mom would let each one of us girls wear a pin that sported our heritage. Every year I fought for the “Top o’ the mornin’ ” one. I liked this one best because it had a little leprechaun holding up his top hat and clicking his heels; plus it was from Ireland. So, in all tradition here is an Irish Blessing (one of my person favorites) & and Irish joke to tell tonight at the bar.

An Irish Blessing
May you be half an hour in Heaven
Before the Devil knows you’re dead.

Irish humor
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Happy St Patrick's Day!!!
May the luck be with you and yours...

15 March 2004

Hamilton Wash~N~Dry
Tonight I had my near death experience for the week. Usually it's something fun like almost hitting a tree or someone almost slamming into me or maybe it's something like eating something that I didn't know I was allergic to; i.e. lack of communication from the infamous mother. Tonight, it was not thrilling or even fun. It was plain fucking scary! So, I'm doing laundry, it's like 12:00am, and this woman walks into the laundry mat. She was beautiful, she looked a little like Lauren Hill. She had lighter skin and a really cool beanie on, I was diggin the hat; well anyway she walked in and smiled at me. I smiled back, and then she had to go to washer 9 because I had taken up the first 8. (Yes, I hate doing laundry.) I just sat there smoking a cigarette and pretending to watch T.V.
Later that night...
I was standing folding all my clothes and she was taking her clothes out of the dryer. We kept bumping into each other and giggling and whispering "excuse me." So out of boredom she looks at me and says, "My god child, that's a hell of a lot of laundry."
I laughed, "I really hate doing laundry."
She said, "Yea, I can tell!"
I added, (here comes stupid part), "I wish I could hire someone to do my laundry I hate it so much."
At this point, she raises her eyebrows and gets into "bitch" mode with her hands on her hips.
"Oh yeah," She says, "Yeah, you wanna hire someone like a nigger! Like a slave! Shit you white folks will never learn!!!"
Tears welled up in my eyes.
"No, no" I said softly, "no I didn't mean like that. I meant like, um, like, um, like I wanted a wife!" I smiled, and then she returned my smile with laughter.
Note: This woman is laughing for one of three reasons:
#1. It's one of those laughs when you are so fucking pissed off that if you don't release some type of energy you'll burst, and laughter comes out
#2. She's thinking of places to put my body (gulp)
#3. She really thinks I'm funny.
Well, it wasn't #3. I don't know which option it was, I didn't want to find out. Obviously I had offended this woman, and I was gonna get the hell out. I stopped folding my clothes, and shoved them in baskets and ran. You never realize what you say to people until it's too late. Maybe she was being a bit dramatic, or maybe I have a lot to learn. Whatever the case, I feel terrible and I am pondering ever talking to strangers again...

12 March 2004

Extra, Extra! Read all about it! The Hallmark Man busted! (and with a card, no less...)
I have never claimed to be a good person, nor have I made any allegation to being an upstanding citizen, including high morals; but jesus! This morning as I wiped the crustiness from my eyes and rolled over, Hallmark Man and I made sweet love. Afterwards, as he was showering, I climbed out of bed and stretched. Then it hit me! Bam! For whatever reason, I have never snooped around looking at Hallmark Man's shit. But this morning with the bright deceiving sun flowing in the bedroom, I made a decision, one that would change my life as I know it...I snooped. Looking around plain as day there was a thank you card lying on his desk. A homemade thank you card, no less, so I looked. It was a sweet innocent thank you from a girl named Lauren. You'd think I'd be furious. Yes, I am. Not only with Hallmark Man, but also with myself. See, I had known about Lauren, but I thought she was out of the picture. Matt (Hallmark Man) had told me about her months ago; but he also led me to believe it was over. She's a virgin, and intends to stay that way; which of course makes Matt crazy. So here I am, fucking over the Virgin Mary! I feel like shit. I feel it is my moral obligation to tell this sweet innocent girl what as ass Matt is. Oh, curious what the thank you card was for? It was for the fun-filled, sexless one year anniversary! Matt says to me, "I do love you, what is wrong with loving two people?" Do I need to answer that? There is nothing wrong with loving two people, but it's not "normal" ok, it's just not right especially when there are innocent people getting hurt. (yes, in a fucked up way this includes me...)

Thank God Almighty I'm A Free At Last!!!
Ok, it may be a bit dramatic, but it is so true! I have never felt to liberated in my entire life! Today, well actually yesterday I sat down and wrote. I wrote something so beautiful it made me cry. Not beautiful because of content, but beautiful because of truth. I wrote about something (gulp) that I have never written about before; I wrote about being a victim of child sexual abuse. I wrote about what I have become as a result. Then I did something amazing. I took it to my therapist and made her read it, and afterwards I made her run it through the shredder. So, at least its been said. My feelings, my nightmares; now I will have to deal with how to begin to live a semi-normal life. I will have to run from the nightmares, the bad thoughts and go on...shit, I'm scared...

11 March 2004

I'd kick her out of bed for a box of crackers...
I just got in from having a lovely late night dinner with my friend Jonathan. Jonathan is one of my close guy friends, and I love him to death. Besides being a fabulous kisser, he has a wonderful sense of humor and this way of making me feel very sexy whenever I am with him. This chick that was checking him out at dinner I thought wasn't too bad looking. Jonathan just rolled his eyes and said, "yea, I'd kick her out of bed for a box of crackers" as he reached over and tucked a hair behind my ear smiling. Later he told me that "I looked great and healthy." Funny, because I haven't slept most of the week and I'm going through another sinus infection. I love that man!

09 March 2004

The people you love most are the ones you always hurt
I let her down…maybe, or perhaps I’ve just really pissed her off. Now, I have to fill out a questionnaire about the whole damn thing! I feel like utter shit. I absolutely love and respect this woman! I don’t know what to do. Ma says to let it go, April says that I should just deal with it, and Chelsie says to write a letter. But I’ve done that before! I complained to her when she suggested. I look up to her so much, and now she feels as if she failed, when in truth it was me that failed her. I am her student, and I should be grateful for the wonderful education that she gives me; instead, I complained that she wasn’t pushing hard enough, now we’re both fucked. Me because I have realized what a spoiled brat I am, and her because she feels terrible about herself and I am mainly responsible for those feelings. I also have realized how horrible I feel…

06 March 2004

Sometimes Love Isn't Enough
In the self-proclaimed analytical bullshit book called I Hate You Don't Leave Me, one of the elements of my illness is fear of intimacy. Which of course I completely deny; but what if the bullshit book is right? I mean maybe the reason I've shied away from religion so much is because I'm scared. Tonight I went to a poetry bash my darling friend Chelsie had at her church. Work was dead, so I bitched until they let me go home. Sorry but I'm sick and tired of standing around doing nothing for $3 an hour. Anyway, so I went to see my gal Chelsie. It was really fun. They are all religious freaks and I was more than positive I didn't have a damn thing in common with any of them, or did I? My Catholicism follows me. I got into a discussion with one of the guys there, and I walked away feeling good. This can't be???...me? walking away with a positive attitude after a religious conversation. Shit oh dear, what the hell is happening to me these days? And the Hallmark Man thing. Ok, I'll admit. I love him; but only because I can't ever have him and that is completely irresistible to me. If he ever gave himself to me, would I take him for long? Probably not. I'll do what I always do and manipulate him and make him feel like as ass and dump him, like I usually do. If real love exists, I am not capable of enjoying it. I will be alone forever. I don't really know how to love. I don't know how to receive love. It's not real...

05 March 2004

In Response to last night's blog
Last night I just wanted to be loved. Even if it only lasted for one night, I just wanted to be held. So I ran to the one thing I shouldn't have...Hallmark Man. I ran because he has the ability to love for a short time. That good kind of love. The kind that has hearts pounding and sheets twisted. The kind where I look into his eyes and get lost. The kind that I regret the next morning. Regret because I know it only lasts for one night, and I wish it lasted longer. Even though some people don't like Christina Aguilera, I happen to like her a lot. And I love this fucking song!

Christina Aguilera - Stripped - lyrics
What do you do when you know something's bad for you
And you still can't let go?
I was naive, your love was like candy
artificially sweet, I was deceived by the wrapping
Got caught in your web and I learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed and devoured completely
And it hurts my soul cause I can't let go
All these walls are caving in, I can't stop my sufferin'
I hate to show that I lost control
Cause I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need
To walk away from
I need to get away from you, need to walk away from you
get away, walk away, walk away. . .
I should have known that I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smoke,
It was all an illusion
Now I've been licking my wounds, but the venom seeps deeper
We both can seduce, but darlin' you hold me prisoner
Oh, I'm about to break, I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure, and I'm fiendin' for a cure
Every step I take leads to one mistake
I keep going right back to the one thing that I need
Oh, I can't mend this torn stat I'm in
Getting nothing in return, what did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn, I keep going right back to the one thing that I need
To walk away from
I need to get away from you, need to walk away from you
Get away, walk away, walk away. . .
Every time I try to grasp for air
I am smothered in despair
It's never over, over, oh. . .
Seems I'll never wake from this nightmare,
I let out a silent prayer. . .
Let it be over, over, oh. . .
Inside I'm screaming, begging, pleading no more
Now what to do, my heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true, each beat reminds me of you
It hurts my soul, cause I can't go
All these walls are caving in, I can't stop my sufferin'
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cause I keep going right back to the one thing that I need
Oh, I'm about to break, I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure, and I'm fiendin' for a cure
Every step I take leads to one mistake
I keep going right back to the one thing that I need
Oh, I can't mend this torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return, what did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn, I keep going right back to the one thing that I need
To walk away from
need to get away from you, need to walk away from you
get away, walk away, walk away
Only thing I need to do
Is walk away from you

04 March 2004

I don't know exactly where to begin. All I know is that these feelings take over me and I become another person. Except that I know this person...she is me. She is me many years ago. And she is scared. Screaming for her mommy to come and save her. I become a little girl again and his hands are reaching towards me. I feel disgusted. I cry and paranoia sets in. I sweat and shake. He is standing above me watching me. I can see his eyes in the moonlight. I don't understand why he can't just leave me alone. I'm still waiting for that day when someone will burst into my room and grab me and hold me. It never happens. Over and over again I slip into these nightmares. Sometimes it even happens in the broad daylight. I turn and look over my shoulder. My heart is pounding and my first instinct is to run. Run like fucking hell. But somehow in the end he always finds me. My dreams are forever haunted with his voice.

I don't know what exactly to say. Sometimes, I'm not even sure who the hell I am these days. My mind and thoughts fold over and over again like an ocean wave that I can't control. Then there are the times when I feel as if I am in a movie and I am looking into the box watching myself stumble about and I yearn to jump in and yell at myself for the idiotic mistakes I am constantly making; but of course I can't do that, so here I sit watching one mistake after another.

03 March 2004

Speakers Block
instead of writers block, I often suffer from speakers block; or at least that is what a lady said to me this afternoon. I have so much that I want to tell someone, and I get all worked up about everything, that when the time comes and I finally get the chance to talk...I don't want to, or I forget everything I originally wanted to say and discuss something completely different. Meanwhile, I've been yacking to the person for 15 minutes say may goodbye and remember what I had wanted to say. I can't go back, I've have things to do, they have things to do, time moves on, and I kick myself for not talking about what I had wanted to talk about in the first place. It is this continual pattern that goes on and on...

02 March 2004

i had to write this all down then it would become real for other people
the voices in my thoughts are all scrambled together his mine my sisters
and even my mommys is lurking somewhere in the distance i can't sleep
again everytime i close my eyes he is standing over me watching me like it
is better for him to wake me up i can feel his hands i try to push them
away but they always come back i cannot get rid of his evilness that
surrounds me when i look in the mirror it is his face i see the same
bright blue eyes i cry out for my mommy but she doesnt come in my daydream
he came to say goodbye but ill never be rid of him he will taunt me
forever i fear the only way i have out is to escape but im scared i dont
want to die i am too scared of that no one comes and helps me after my
nightmares i sit here crying out my computer i dont know what to do i want
to get a good nights rest but i cant i am so scared he will come its been
years why am i not better i dont comprehend all this i swear he is
standing behind me now i have gone crazy paranoid i see his face in every
man i know those eyes i cannot trust they follow me everywhere

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