i Wish i Could Be On Time!

30 April 2004

life 101
i guess i should write my life 101...one of my favorite professors has cancer, and today as i sat in her office trying to hold the tears back, she tells me "that if all goes well and my heath doesn't go to shit, i'll be here in the fall." gulp...fucking gulp...why is it that all of the good people are the ones that suffer? i guess that is how the world works. last night at work, my precious beautiful boy played. god, he is soooo adorable! i swear i'm gonna marry him! note: it's ok to dream.
exams are next week, and i am not focused as i should be. two of them are english exams, and i am not too concerned with those, except for dr. j's. which by the way she is still not speaking to me after the whole "i'm not your friend, mother, or therapist" lecture which happened monday afternoon. oh well. i miss her, and i want to talk to her, but everyone tells me that time will help best. the thing that is so hard is that she slammed the door in my face, i mean she literally knocked me over! and everyone knows to not slam the door in crazy peoples face! (right, you all should know that at least...) i hate this living day-by-day shit. i like spontaneity and excitement, and right now everything is so ordinary. i go to school, to work, research, write papers, etc...la, la, fucking la...

28 April 2004

it has been one of those days. you know the kind, the kind where you realize everything around you is about to change. the faces, the places, even the food. i don't like change. it scares me to death. it takes me so long to get used to something, and then it all changes. and it's never slowly, this change business, in the academic world, it is all at once. one minute you are sitting in geology, the next you're not. the professors change as well. they shift around during the last class period, they stumble their words. the students are anxious for the class to be over, and even the chalkboards are tired and ready for a break. everything is ready for it to be over, everyone but me. i spend the entire semester bitching, and as soon as i realize it is about to change, i freak. i get this idea in my head that if i put things off, then it will last longer, except that you can't do that. papers are due, presentations have to be made, etc...am i the only one that feels this way? i dunno!! i hate that i can't have the same professor next semester. i hate that i have to get used to a whole new personality. it's like how i felt when i was a child, everyone leaves me at one point or another. it's my biggest fear: that i will be alone.

24 April 2004

Twenty-two hit men
Cowing tipping in the moonlit hours
Lipstick stains on blades of grass
Clockwork winds
And oranges falling into beds of yellow hay
A serial rapist
From the county jail awaiting death row for 250 years
While the leaders are shouting at the toddler newspaper boy
Sending money to the aliens who are fighting wars
over mother’s natural fluids
That sleep in the red sand
While skinny men hold guns
pretending to be angels
Their wings made of cut construction paper
That slash the sky along with the bombs
And schoolchildren flee from prisons
then the cages chase the birds away

23 April 2004

well it looks like this blog thing is turning out to be a weekend job. life on the home front is less than entertaining. the spring semester is wrapping up to an end (thank you god) & i have had one project and paper due right after another. next week i have a huge paper due for my brit. lit class that i have been researching on for weeks. but i am very excited about it. (yes, i'm a geek). after that it's time for (gulp) exams. i am hoping to get decent grades this semester. i know i am good in three of my classes, but i am concerned with my geology class (anyone want to tutor me? yea, didn't think so, i don't blame you...) the last exam was really difficult. the class average was only a 73% so you can imagine how i did...not too great. :( hope all of you are doing well, you seem to be according to your blogs. i can't wait for summer when i have more time on my hands to really sit down and write...oh wait, i forgot i will be taking summer classes!again, the geek thing... i can't wait to graduate! only 100 more years to go! how'd you do it chris???

16 April 2004

This is what I’ve learned

I am a woman with breasts and a full mind
I am a child with a fragile heart and wild eyes
I am a human
White black red
My body is untamed like a cotton sheet hanging on a clothesline
I am a Catholic
I was a Catholic
I’m not sure who Jesus is
I am a student with blisters of pride on my hands from my pen and weary eyes from reading and turning page after page
I am a writer with verses flowing off my tongue rich with aroma and characters spinning in my thoughts
I am a reader with darting eyes
And a conversation always ready
I am a daughter
Part of him and her
Not liking either of them
I am a sister who laughs under the blankets and shares secrets over bread and cheese
I am the poor maiden who is selling roses
“Two for the price of one”
On the corner by the loose newspapers that fly around me like birds
I am a lover crying over him
And sometimes even her -
Sleeping unconditionally with my past
I am a cat
Cunning, hungry
Seeing only in the darkness
I am a lion with anger and a tail that could cut the clouds
I am a circle without a point and my words will carry on for generations
I am a square
And miserably ordinary
London Kennedy

14 April 2004

Hey...I'm still here, barely breathing, but alive. I have been in bed for the past couple of days with this flu/virus thing (ugh). Yesterday was the first day I was even able to sit up without the room spinning wildly, but I still had a horrible headache. It sucks, bad! :( Everyone throw a pity party for me, ok?? :) I like violins, and wine...Lots of it. Let me know how it goes!

09 April 2004

have you ever wanted something so bad, you thought you'd just die if it didn't happen? tonight i was at work, and after gulping three pain killers down my throat (no i am not a drug addict--i had a head ache "this big") i put on a phony smile and greeted the two tables that were in my section. one was a lousily couple that stiffed me, thanks by the way assholes, but the other was a group of repeats. i spent most of my night sitting with them describing my love (some may claim obsessive love) for him, and when i got cut at 10pm, and sat down to write, i realized that maybe, just maybe it's not him i love, it's her...

I haven’t written as prose lately, so here goes. I was taking a lovely mid-afternoon nap when Robbie, the neighbor’s boy who visits on the 2nd and 4th weekend of the month (thank god for little things) woke me up bouncing his basketball; while Rick-who is not by the way-the baby’s daddy chased after him, a cigarette hanging off his lips and his beer belly mutt slowly trudging along behind him, screaming, “boy, you get back here! Ya hear me! Boy, I’ll whoop your ass!” Groaning, I rolled over and glared out my window watching the chase and secretly praying that the kid wouldn’t get caught, all the while thinking that if that goddamn ball crashed through my window and ended up in bed with me, I’ll be the one chasing the little brat next. This is the price you pay for being poor: living in gingerbread houses that may look semi-decent, but also fully knowing that the frosting is stale, the walls are thin and if you open the door to the house, it’s empty inside…

What if I told you I loved you
Would you still look at me the same
What if I told you I needed you
Would you still call on me
Less, more…
What if I told you I dream about you
Would you still let me into your life
What if I told you my deepest thoughts
Would you still tell me yours
What if I told you I could give you the world
Would you still believe in me
But what if I told you I can’t handle your beauty
Because I wish I could share it with you
and in the end
what if I told you goodbye
London Kennedy

08 April 2004

I shall memorize the way you feel in my arms at this very moment
The way your face feels cradled in my hands
and how your breath tickles my fingertips as I softly caress your lips
The way your shoulders rise and fall with each gasp
because even we know this is the only moment in time we’ll ever share
Tomorrow I will go back to being me and you will go back to being you
and all we will have is the memories of this day
the day when I said I love you
and you replied back as tears welled up in your bright eyes
and I gathered them one by one in my mouth as we kissed
knowing it would be our first and last
you pulled me close to your beating heart
and I wanted to die in the minute that would only last for its allowed time
because this time life would go back to routine
and I’ll go back to being me and you’ll go back to being you
and we’ll glace at each other from across the room
and think back to the one time when we shared everything we have hidden in our souls and we’ll pretend we are someone we’re not
London Kennedy

04 April 2004

Come with me my little one and we can dance and sing
Where the fairies join together
And frolic in the spring

Come with me my little one and we can laugh and play
Where the gods create the sun
and give light to the day

Come with me my little one and we can learn and grow
Where the sky is like a canvass
And the colors form a rainbow

Come with me my little one and we can whisper love
Where the meadows go on forever
And the geese fly in concert up above

Come with me my little one and we can share our youth
Where the blossoms live
and you and I will forever breathe our truth

Come with me my little one where we will never die
where the air is fragrant with heaven’s scent
And never will there be a kiss goodbye

London Kennedy

01 April 2004

Behold I give thee the sun and the moon cupped in the palm of my hands
the color of the midnight sky with stars that twinkle in my eyes
my tongue so rich with words of love that flow like the river
My heart opened like a field of wildflowers
my arms that reach to you with strong branches like a mighty oak awaiting a long embrace
my legs with the strength of an ox to carry your sorrows
my mind that is full like the wool of a lamb
a softness
last I give thee my soul pure like the spring
london kennedy

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