i Wish i Could Be On Time!

21 September 2004

I have been sick and dying. It's funny how one minute you are feeling wonderful, and then the next BAM! you feel like shit. That is how it happened to me. Wolfe and I were eating out on Saturday and all of a sudden, this feverish black cloud stopped over me. And that was it, I've been sick ever since. My gram and mother say I get sick all the time because I don't eat well. I say I just have bad karma. Wolfe says it's because I don't drink enough water. I say I just have bad karma. I don't even remember how I got to school today. Seriously. My mind is floating and I swear if I blow my nose one more time brains are going to fall out, and lord knows, I don't need any of that. Plus, a friend of mine just got a deal with a publisher for a book of poetry. I'm so freaking jealous! I tried to be supportive and offered my help, but inside I am fuming. I wish it were me. Maybe I'm just too damn lazy...

14 September 2004

Laura the famous shrink has this saying, "I've see this movie before." When she says this to me, it is usually in regards to my unstable relationships with Lexapro, but today as I stood talking with one Miami professor, Laura's voice echoed in my head. "I've seen THIS movie before." I was not talking to the professor about Lexapro, my dosage, or my unstable relationship with the little white pill, but instead I was talking to her about Su Casa. Su Casa (located in Cincinnati), held it is Latin Festival this past weekend. After searching for a parking spot, walking a few blocks, and eyeing a Pro-Bush stand right in the entrance of the festival, Wolfe and I took a deep breath of relief, we were in...I was looking forward to the Latin Festival for two days. I could not wait to talk with the women I had met at previous festivals that were from Panama, but furthermore, I could not wait to meet more people. It was not like this...Instead, every time I turned around there were police officers blocking my vision. I was pissed. Maybe I just have an authority problem. Maybe it is as simple as that, but I do not think so. Looking back, one of my favorite books from my Latino/a Literature class I took last Spring, was a book called Down These Mean Streets, by Piri Thomas. Piri Thomas explores a common theme in his novel: the conflict between African-Americans and Latin-Americans. This book, written some forty years ago still rings in our culture. I believe this through my own experience. At the festival, for example, all of the police officers I noticed were in fact African-American; I feel this is a notable fact. Did the police department purposely send African-American cops, or is this just a coincidence? Therefore, as I stood in my professor's office and told her that the festival was not what I had expected, and expressed my observations, she spoke out about a distorted generalization that she held. She said that, "white people have this misconception that there are issues between the African-American community and the Latin-American community, but the theories are simply not true. God forbid, two races of color unite, then what would we do?" I was appalled, disgusted, and very angry. I rebutted, "That’s interesting because in this Latino/a Literature class I took last spring, we read this book..." (You know the rest.) So she says, "yea, but that was forty years ago!?" Implying that I was completely mistaken, and improperly educated. Hello!!?? Slavery happened hundreds of years ago!!! Are you going to tell me that slavery is not happening anymore, you pretentious bitch!!!!!!!!!! Note: I did not say that last part, but shit oh dear did I want to.
Here is when Laura's voice rang in my head. I am standing there, in the doorway, talking to a professor, a white upper-middle class, PhD professor, hoping for a positive learning experience, or at least not such a negative response to my observations, and certainly not a response that gave me the impression that I'm a fucking racist, and I was shot down. I've seen this movie before. It's all about power. Who has it, and whatcha gonna do with it? In this professor's case, she decided to utilize her position to make me feel inferior, which led to crying and more crying. I hate being talked down to!!!! Who the hell does she think she is anyway!!!!! What a bitch!!!!

07 September 2004

Life seems to be so consistent lately. Everyday, despite all the messes I continue to make, seems exactly the same as the day before. I wonder if anything will ever change for me. I wonder if school is a waste, even though I am doing really well, I still picture myself serving burgers. My dreams, fluffy and tasteful, disappear with each glimpse of the real world where there are bills to pay, no money, and a very hungry tummy.

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